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Hard Candy
My name is Greg and I feel like a burden to my friends and family. There are days I'm so down I don't want to go to school. I feel like my life has fallen apart. I collapse on my bedroom floor and cry. I'm sorry I'm such a burden sometimes I think about offing myself, I'm only 14.
[click for
Hard Candy]
Lost Boy
He's just like you, he's just like me, he's just unlucky when it comes to his parents. Read the story of the
boy next door and the secrets he's had to keep to himself even though the bruises on his body tell the entire story.
[click for
Lost Boy]
Night Owl Syndrome
People always think teenagers are just lazy and don't want to do things during the day but isn't it strange
when night comes around they're all lively? Well now there's an explanation for it.
[click for
Zoned Out]
Forbidden Desire
Em is his nickname because of his emerald eyes and this summer was his awakening; Em likes guys. Read how he learns to accept his new desire and how
it changes his life... for the better.
[click for
EM]
Ying Yang Twins
Read how two guys find each other in the most unlikely place and the strangest of circumstances.
Read how they first meet, deal with their desires, and eventually pursue their hidden love. It's soCal love at its finest.
[click for
JD]
Is Suicide Brave?
Read the harrowing story about a young boys struggle with suicide as he
learns to
come to grips with his sexual identity.
Read how he learns to accept his desire for other boys and how his best friend went from hater to biggest supporter.
[click for
Suicide]
Our Very First Pride Event
Read super cute couple Matt and Ethan's blog on their experience at their first
Pride
parade at the grand Daddy of all west coast Prides: San FranDisco. Where else
can you watch gay parents walk with their young freedom-children as a family on one block,
then watch a man in a thong jerking off for an impromptu audience
on another?
[click for
Pride]
Exhausted
I can't seem to stay awake during the day but come night I can't get to sleep. Maybe I'm busy IM and texting all night or watching Internet vids, all I know
is I'm snoozing while in class and getting in trouble for it. What gives?
[click for
Exhausted]
My Gay BFF
Meet Nick; star athlete, popular with both the ladies and guys, and super coo. Read
his story about his best friend Scott, and how he believes having a gay best friend makes him a better person.
[click for
Gay BFF]
Role Play
Young gay guys are role playing to keep the spark alive in their relationships but are they taking things too far? Read stories
from our readers about the games they play and whether they think it's just healthy play or something darker.
[click for Role Play]
Hard Candy 
My name is Greg and I feel like a burden to my friends and family. There are days I'm so down I don't want to go to school. I feel like my life has fallen apart. I collapse on my bedroom floor and cry. I'm sorry I'm such a burden sometimes I think about offing myself, and I'm only 14.
GSR gets letters similar to these more than we could ever imagine. And the guys get younger all the time. In this age of Human Rights Campaign, Equality for All and gay marriage, there are still many places in this country where it's not OK to be gay, regardless of your age. And although we don't pretend to have all the answers to help any questioning youth, we can offer support.
We usually ask how their home life is, how they're doing in school, any activities they may be involved in after school or on weekends, whether they've experimented with either drugs or sex. We ask them to think about their strengths and what is going well in their life. We try and get them to focus on any positives to keep their spirit up. In a lot of cases this is very hard to do especially when there's a lot of abuse involved.
Even though these are not easy questions to ask, it does allow us insight into how we can give them support. Sometimes it's as easy as "Have you talked to your parents?", or "Maybe you're just too young to be sexually active." And then at times it's not so easy, sometimes there's physical or mental abuse involved and we try and convince them to seek professional help/advice.
A lot of times the younger guys just really need someone they can talk to, we hear If I tell you something, will you absolutely promise to keep it a secret? a lot. And although nothing really surprises us anymore, the age these incidents happens just keeps getting younger and younger.
GSR feels it's best to respond with truthful answers since some of these aren't easy conversations. It's been suggested that talking to tweens or teens about suicide is somehow suggestive or puts them at higher risk, but repeated studies have shown this is not the case. Asking the question does not awaken thoughts of suicidal ideation. A study in The Journal of the American Medical Association looked at more than 2,000 high school students in a randomized controlled trial; those screened were not more likely to report suicidal thoughts in the following days.
Signs of depression are more obvious in adults at risk for suicide, but are not as much in teens. Only about half of kids who kill themselves are depressed in the way that we think about depression sad, not taking care of themselves, not sleeping or sleeping too much, not eating or eating too much, The other half may be impulsive, angry, disappointed, trying to get even.
Sometimes when you question a teen you'll get the "I don't know" answer, which actually might be ominous and might mean they don't know or mean they don't really want to tell you, which could end up being serious.
If a teen does tell us he's thinking about suicide, we try and ask as many questions as we can and try to offer them services that might be of help. Some teen boys chronically struggled with these issues. You have to take these thoughts seriously and try to direct them to people that can offer them professional help.
The reason why we get involved is to help. Some of these teens have no other people they can talk to. Guys don't like being ignored. It's a cry for help, no one wants to know that their cry for help was ignored. Sometimes they might even act angry. But what were communicating is: "we really listen, we hear you. We're going to see that you get help, We're going to take the action you deserve."
Lost Boy 
i'm all moved into my new room. i hope this time we stay longer then the last place we lived in.
my mom keeps saying that dad's new job will change his perspective and we'll stay.
we use to live in the midwest where both my parents grew up but we kept moving from town to town
'cause my dad would act up and we'd be forced to move. dad got a job out here in california through his
cousin that i haven't met yet. hopefully dad's sales will increase at his this new job so he can be happy
and not take his frustrations out on his family, mainly me.
san diego is a nice town. there's lots of open spaces to run around and we life just a few blocks
from the beach. if you don't live near the beach i don't know why you'd want to live in california. cali is all about the
beach. the surfers, the beautiful people and their tanned bodes, oh and yeah, the surfing.
we don't actually have our own house. ours is in the back of another house that's much
newer in front us where the owner of both properties live. they have a son that's two years older than me, a junior
that goes to the same high school as me. his name is john but i haven't really met him yet but i've seen him in around in school.
weird thing is i can see john's room from my upstairs bedroom window and i can see that he's doing homework and getting ready for
bed. i don't know why exactly but i can't stop from staring at him through his window. when he goes over to slide the window shut a little bit he looks up and sees me. i don't move. he stands there looking at me for a while and then moves away and his lights turn off. it's late. i should go to bed but all i think about is his look.
the next morning mom's making breakfast and packing my lunch. she reminds me that i promised i'd go do something with her
after school and i shake my head in agreement. mom doesn't always look me in the eye when she's talking to me. sometimes she's got that guilty look on her face but i don't blame her for anything, it's not really her fault and i understand why she's powerless to do anything. she loves my dad and she doesn't understand any of it. no matter what the sheriff or counselors at my old school tells her, my dad is still the only thing she has and she's not going to run from that. i love my mom but i can see she's a simple person and will never really experience what true happiness is. i don't want to be like my mom.
i tell mom goodbye and go out the back door. john is in his car out in the street and rolls down his window to get me to come over. i lower my head to see what's up and he asks if i want a ride to school. i'm flattered, most older kids don't even acknowledge anyone younger then them. i hop in and his ipod is playing some old school tupac hip hop. he races off and i hold onto my seat. he looks at me and laughs then asks me if i drive. i tell him no 'cause i'm only 14, a freshman. he chuckles. while he's driving i'm sorta checking out his profile. he has short blonde curls that are bleached on the ends by the sun from surfing. he's also tan and has just a few freckles on his nose. his eyes are blue. he's cute in that surf dude way. i've only seen his body when he walks down to the beach with his board to go surfing and only wears his boardshorts. it's all long and lean and i know i'm not supposed to desire it but i do. i wonder if he knows.
he turns a bit and sees me looking at him and sorta smiles, asks me what i'm doing after school today and i tell him "nothing". john asks if i want to maybe hangout a bit after school and go down to check out the waves. i tell him sure after i ask my mom. we're rolling up into the school parking lot and he parks next to his friends. they say hey and all of them talk about the surf this morning. i start walking away and john comes up, says he'll see me later.
at lunch i scan the cafeteria for some open real estate. i eye a half empty table way in the back. i sit by myself. i'm not really thinking about much and then i see john. he spots me and starts walking over. he sits across from me and says hey. he talks to me about how he doesn't understand why he needs to take P.E. for 6th period when he can go surf and get more exercise. he tells me coach mag wants him in his weight lifting class so he can help motivate the younger guys to get in shape. john thinks that's gay. i smile.
coach mag is a poli sci teacher and the football coach. probably the other way around really. he's like a ex navy seal or something, he's buff. he's never really paid any attention to me in his gym class but today i'm standing by john. looks like john doesn't ditch to go surfing today. he's sorta working out with me and coach breaks things up and tells the 5 leaders to pick squads so they can focus individually on each persons needs. first round goes by and john chooses me as his first pick. i've never been choosing first for anything. i lock eyes with him while walking towards him and something goes on that no one else can see or feel. he smirks and it's probably because he knows how much power he has over people, over me.
john is good at helping us train. he doesn't look super buff but you can tell he's strong and knows his workout. he also knows how to change things up so we're always doing
something and not standing around. the workout is grueling but feels good on my muscles. the bell rings and we head to the locker room. half the guys don't even shower and put back on their street clothes, gross. a kid from my squad has a locker right by mine and we talk about our workout. when he strips and wraps his towel around me i notice he barely has any hair. i'm glad i'm not that immature and i wonder if because of what's happened to me that i'm older looking then guys my age or is this kid just weird.
the showers are poles with 5 shower heads hanging off the top so you're showering in a circle and can see all the other guys in your circle. i notice the one almost hairless kid but all the other guys have the same hair patterns i do. phew, i'm not a freak. i just don't want john wondering why i'm different from all the other guys my age if he sees me in here. i don't really see john that day but i think it's 'cause he talks with the coach after we all go into the locker room.
as i exit the shower i pass john, he says hey and ask if i want to wait around and catch a ride. i say sure and tell him i'll meet him by his car. i walk to the parking lot and his
two friends are waiting by their car parked next to johns. they say hey and ask if i'm waiting for john. i tell they yeah and they ask if i'm going to paddle out. i tell them i just moved here and don't know how to surf yet. chris tells me that i should go 'cause john will teach me. i smile and tell them that would be cool.
john walks up and joseph gives him shit for talking to coach. they laugh and push each other around a bit. guys are always pushing each other just so they can touch each other and feel wanted. i'd like to get closer to john but i don't really know him yet. they all make plans to meet down by law street in a bit after they all do chores at home. chris tells for me to be sure i go down, tells me it'll be the time of my life 'cause the waves are perfect for someone learning.
john doesn't say much during the drive home. when we get closer he asks if i like chris. i say yes. he asks if i really like him a lot and i say no. not that way. he smiles and keeps on driving. we get home and he says maybe he should ask my mom if i could hangout with them down by the beach later. i tell him yeah that might make more sense so he comes in with me. my mom is in the kitchen making stuff for dinner and i can hear my dad in the living room listening to the news on tv. mom thanks john for asking and tells him it's probably a good idea i get out more so she's all for it. i hear my dad breathing heavy and sighing in the other room and then he staggers into the kitchen with his drink. he asks what i'm doing and who this new kid is and my mom tells him that it's the neighbor kid from the landlords family living in the front house. my dad acknowledges john and then quizzes him on why someone older would want to hang out with me.
john explains how it's not unusual for an older surfer to take a younger surfer (grommet) under his wing to teach him the ways of surfing. it all makes sense to my dad so he agrees but you can tell he's not super happy about it. except for the drink in his hand i'm hoping this is the 'new' dad my mom was talking about when she told me we were moving once again 'cause we had to. i'm a bit suspicious of my dads actions but i don't hesitate and i tell john to follow me upstairs to my bedroom.
ask i'm packing beach stuff into my school backpack john comes up behind me and asks me about my window. asks if i ever look down into his room at night. i say yes. i can feel his warm breath on my neck when he says "cool". then he asks if he can be my special friend and i turn around and look at him before saying yes. he then asks when i think being a special friend means and i tell him it's a guy that does anything for his friend even if that means learning new stuff and hanging out with him.
he smiles a bit and gets closer. i can almost feel his lips on mine and then he moves closer and opens his mouth and kisses me gently. i kiss back but not for long. we move apart and just stare at each other. i don't know what to say so he says it for me. "dude you can't tell anyone about this swear?". i nod my head.
we go to the garage and pick out a board for me to learn on. it's small and a bit beat up but it'll work and it's my first surfboard so i'm psyched. we're only a few blocks from the beach and it's warm out so all we bring is towels 'cause we're already in our boardshorts. when we walk down to the beach john asks me if i liked what we did back there in my room and i nod yes. he tells me again that i can't ever tell anyone, that he has a girlfriend and no one can ever know. i already knew all this so i'm ok with it. whatever it takes for john to be able to do this with me is fine by me. i'm effing walking with a board under my arm to the beach. just the other day i was living in a small town in the midwest where everyone knew my families business and we were looked down at because of my dad. sometimes life is good.
paddling out was a bit of a struggle for me probably 'cause i haven't built up my upper body the way surfers do. eventually with time i'll get bigger and paddling won't be so difficult. i don't have a problem getting out probably 'cause it's not very big. the water is nice and warm and there's a few guys out and most of them know john. i stay to myself so i don't get in the way and i'm sitting on my board balancing myself ok. john paddles up close and our feet touch under water. he tells me what to look for out on the horizon so i can spot a swell rolling in and paddle to it and get into position. he tells me just to follow his lead and do what he does. it works. it's easy to surf if you learn from someone that's surfed since he was 7. john whistles to me and gives me the eye to paddle over his way. there's a swell coming up and it looks like it's going to break into a nice left. we paddle out towards it and he's near the crest, i get next to him and turn around. he tells me to paddle, paddle hard. i do and we both seem to catch the wave at the same time. he's in front of me so when he gets up i do too watching his every move and copying it. he does all kinds of maneuvers on the wave but i just sort of stand on my board and follow him. i know i'll get better, i'll get as good as john some day. he kicks out before the wave crashes but i can't move my board as quick and i get stuck in the white water. i get pulled in towards shore a bit so now i have to paddle out longer then john. while i'm by myself paddling i look around. i'm in effing soCal surfing dude! i guess it just hit me. and then i see john and he's waving at me and smiling. i don't think i've ever felt this happy before. i hope it never ends.
the sun sets and it's getting too dark to catch any more waves. we paddle in and tie our leashes around our board. we walk to where the outdoor shower is and rinse off. i watch as john rinses and the setting sunlight glistens against his tan body. i don't think i've ever seen someone so desirable before. i'm 14 and i think i'm falling for a guy for the very first time. things are moving fast but i don't know, i like it. john and i walk back to our homes and we talk about the waves. he laughs at some of the rides i caught and bumps into me a bit and then puts his arm around me to show he's kidding around. it feels good. skin on skin. i feel secure, i feel like this is ok like i want it. i didn't think i'd ever feel this way with a guy since my only experiences have been unwelcome. i hope that never comes around again. i hope moving to sunny california and my dad getting his new job will stop any of that from happening anymore.
Teenage Owl Syndrome
Riding in school buses in the early morning, then sitting in poorly lighted classrooms are the main reasons students have trouble getting to sleep at night, according to new research.
Teenagers, like everyone else, need bright lights in the morning, particularly in the blue wavelengths, to synchronize their inner, circadian rhythms with nature's cycles of day and night.
If they are deprived of blue light during the morning, they go to sleep an average of six minutes later each night, until their bodies are completely out of sync with the school day, researchers from Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute reported Tuesday in the journal Neuroendocrinology Letters.
The finding was made by fitting a group of students with goggles that blocked blue light and discovering that their circadian rhythms were significantly affected.
"These morning-light-deprived teenagers are going to bed later, getting less sleep and possibly underperforming on standardized tests," said lead author Mariana G. Figueiro, a sleep researcher at the institute's Lighting Research Center. "We are starting to call this the 'teenage night owl syndrome.' "
"This is a nice little preliminary study" that definitely needs to be replicated, said sleep researcher Mary A. Carskadon of Brown University, who was not involved in the research. "I think the big take-home message probably is that better lighting in the schools is a good idea."
Parents and teachers have been complaining loudly in recent years that teens stay up too late at night, then fall asleep in class the next morning and do poorly in school. The new findings provide a possible explanation for the problem.
At the root of the research is the circadian rhythm, the body's natural sleep and waking cycle. Even though the Earth makes a full rotation in 24 hours, the body's circadian cycle is about 24 hours and six minutes long. The cycle is mediated by a chemical called melatonin. The body starts to produce it about two hours before it is time to fall asleep and, in the absence of light, melatonin is released about six minutes later each day.
That is why people in dark rooms, caves or other locations with no external time cues will fall asleep about six minutes later each day, so that their sleep-wake cycles slowly drift in and out of alignment with the outside world.
In the study, Figueiro and Mark Rea, director of the Lighting Research Center, studied 11 students at Smith Middle School in Chapel Hill, N.C., which was designed so that a lot of sunlight reaches classrooms.
On a Friday night, the researchers measured what time the 11 students' bodies began releasing melatonin. On Monday morning, the students were sent to school with orange goggles that blocked most blue light from their eyes to mimic the conditions found in many -- if not most -- schools.
By the end of the week, the students were releasing melatonin 30 minutes later in the evening -- an average of six minutes per day -- and going to sleep correspondingly later.
"This is our first field study," Figueiro said. "We would like to replicate it in larger studies. Also for longer periods of time. We would also like to determine if you can see an impact on performance."
If the findings are replicated, a variety of solutions are available. Ideally, new schools would be built to allow more natural sunlight into the classrooms. Students could also be exposed to more sunlight outside.
Incandescent lights should never be used in classrooms because "they are heavy on yellow and red, and the circadian system is not tuned to those colors," Figueiro said. "You want incandescent light sources in the evening."
Some fluorescent lights are also not very good. Most that are currently used produce orange or reddish light, but it is now possible to buy bulbs that emit more blue.
Exhausted
On any given day you can look inside any of your high school morning classes and see half the students
asleep or near sleep at their desks. Many teens arrive at school still half asleep, with
far less than the recommended nine hours of sleep per night. So why are teens are so ill-rested and
what can you do about it?
According to Dr Clarksdon, a psychiatry and human behavior professor and an
authority on circadian rhythms;" Between school, sports, and social lives, typically teens get just
7.5 hours of sleep during school nights and about a quarter only get 6.5 or fewer hours of sleep.
About half of teens at school show many of the symptoms similar to narcolepsy purely as a result of
their insufficient sleep time. Many severely exhausted teens' circadian
rhythms give them a late-night second wind and won't get tired until after midnight, robbing themselves of
even more precious sleep time".
Some teens try to make up for their sleep deficiency through weekend binge sleeping. Dr Clarksdon
agrees on the importance of catching up on lost ZZZs but warns it can actually mess up a teen's
sleep cycles. If you change the time you're going to sleep every night, your brain gets conflicting
messages about when nighttime is. Not all experts agree.
Dr Smith, a Brown University professor of psychology and sleep researcher, is an enthusiastic supporter
of letting teens sleep in on weekends [yay!]. Parents should let their teenage kid sleep in, he says, but many of
them don't realize that sleep requirements for teens are as high as preteens.
Adolescent culture's constant communication needs (Texting, social networking, internet use,
television, etc.) is amplifying circadian-driven teenage tendencies to stay up late. School, of course, forces teens
to get up early and therefore the problem. Circadian rhythms are rarely considered when we schedule events for teens.
A more scientific approach to high school starting times at around 8:30 or nine o'clock would probably help many teens
get the extra rest they require.
Delaying school starting times has its problems but it's mainly something parents have to deal with, not
the students. It could force working parents to hire sitters to look after younger children, and cuts into
extra-curricular activity time. It might be worth it though, teens running on empty in the early morning
have acutely impaired mental and physical reaction times. They just aren't learning, and in many cases are
driving themselves to school in a dangerous zombie state.
There have been some bold initiatives to tackle the problem for later school start times.
A University of Minnesota study had some of the state's school boards experiment with pushing the first
bells up from before 7:15am to 8:40am. Results were encouraging, particularly for students who were
on the verge of dropping out. The percentage of 10th-graders who stayed enrolled went from
55% in 1995-96 to 67% in 1999-2000.
Until the parents and school administrators can agree on later start times, the only thing you
can do for yourself is to limit your late night activities. Start getting ready for bed around 10 PM with a hard cut
off time that you always adhere to. Dimming or turning off the lights in your room as you're winding down will
actually send a message to your brain that it's near bedtime and you'll eventually grow tired naturally.
Forbidden Desire
Summer of 2008 was a coming out of sorts for me. I'm 14 and this is
the year that I've finally accepted the fact that I like guys, or at
least I think so.
These 'thoughts' have always been running around in my head
but I didn't pay much attention to them. Now all of a sudden I can't
help think of anything but these thoughts and it's making me crazy.
This summer my body finally grew up, I guess I'm what you would call
a bit of a late bloomer so while my friends were getting more mature and
growing up, I stayed a kid which is probably why I didn't have to think about
these thoughts much. I played like a kid, skating around, goofing off.
Sometimes I think now that it's kinda childish doing the same things that
kids do. I guess that's part of growing up.
I've also started to not enjoy some of the guys I grew up with and
have hung out with since I was a kid. Most of the guys I've know are
either from the neighborhood I grew up in or from playing baseball
and we're a pretty tight crew but we're all different in our own way.
Most of my friends are super jocks that talk about sports and girls
most of the time. I have had other talks with a few of the guys, you
know, about stuff not related to sports or girls, but that's really not
the norm.
My friends have accused me of becoming a bit of a loner lately.
I tend to spend more time by myself, and even though I have a good time when I'm with
my bros, I also enjoy just doing stuff by myself and exploring.
I've started to do more things on my own, you know, just skating
around and seeing what's up. I've even met new people, usually at the
yogurt place or Starbucks down the street.
I seem to meet older people 'cause guys my age tend to roam in
packs and don't usually talk to outsiders.
What I like most about making these new friends is that they usually
have more to talk about then what my friends are into so I get to
talk about stuff I'm not too familiar with. I live in the suburbs so people
tend to be a bit vanilla and paired off into families or groups of friends
but every once in a while I'll meet someone super cool
with a ton of interesting things to talk about.
So now that I've learned that I seem to desire guys more than
girls, I've also branched away from my friends mostly because they're
probably not ready to hear that I'm into guys more now. I know they won't
have a problem with it when I eventually tell them but I don't think the
time is right and only because I'm trying to figure it all out for myself first.
I mean I am attracted to guys but I'm not really hot for any of
the guys I know, which to me is confusing because I would think that
guys my age that I know would be my obvious crush.
But I don't really look at my friends as someone I would 'date'. Don't
really know why, maybe it's because I grew up with them or something
but I don't really think that's it. I mean if you saw my friends you would
think they were pretty boys. They're jocks so they got tight bodies and their
parents have always paid for any imperfections they have so they don't have
acne or crooked teeth. They're pretty and cute but I'm just not interested in them
sexually.
No, the guys that seem to get my attention are older guys. For some
reason I like men. I like how they're mature, how their bodies are
more defined and less twinkie like mine. Usually they seem to have a lot more
to talk about so maybe it's their personality or the way they carry themselves that
makes me got all gaa-gaa over them.
I don't really know though 'cause I've never really met or talked
to any of the ones that interest me.
This summer I've been to the gym more 'cause my body is finally
growing and I want to keep myself from looking like I'm too lazy
to stay in shape. I've always been into my body mostly because of sports
but since I'm growing I've been particularly interested in keeping
myself in really good shape so as I grow taller I'll have that really defined
athletic look. I've seen way to many of my friends grow from cute boy
to out of shape teen really fast and mostly because they don't workout
and they continue to eat crap.
I've also been going to the gym more because there tends to
be older guys that take care of their bodies and I watch what they're
doing for their workout routines and steal some of exercises for my workout.
So one guy that goes to my gym has got my interest more then the
others. Don't really know why exactly but maybe it's because he's got
a rockin'body, especially for his age, and he looks like he's a loner like me.
I saw him start working out at my gym this past winter but I
didn't really notice him until summer, you know 'cause I'm becoming
more aware of my desires and all. So when school let out I was determined
to figure out a way to meet him the next time I saw him workout.
What totally sucks is my friend punked me and met him first and
that pissed me off to the point that I called out my friend for it and
asked how he knew this older guy that was obviously gay. Cody's strange like
me so he just pawned it off like this guy was helping him train and stuff.
People like Cody 'cause he's different then everybody
else but still fun. Everyone likes him the way the like me, 'cause we're good
at sports and probably 'cause we both have older brothers
that are really good at football and baseball so that gives us street cred for
some strange reason.
Anyway, Cody wasn't embarrassed that I caught him working out with
this older guy at the gym and he said that the guy taught him some new
stuff and that Cody actually taught him new work out stuff too that he uses in
his routine now. So now I'm thinking they're bffs and I'm kind of getting jealous
'cause this is the kind of new friend I've been wanting all summer and
with this very same guy!
I saw Cody a few weeks ago and I asked him about his new friend and
Cody tells me that he's had to chill on being his friend 'cause Cody's
brother heard about the guy working out with Cody and was not cool with it.
I guess Cody is more into what people think about who he hangs out
with more than I do so he's backed off. Doesn't bother me considering
Cody wouldn't tell me one thing about this guy except for that fact that
he's cool.
So here I am wanting to talk to this guy but he wears headphones at
the gym and he's never idle. It's like he's always moving from one
machine to another so I can never get him to stay in one place to make eye
contact. I know he's seen me before 'cause he sorta nodded his head
once but I was too shy and just acted like I didn't notice him... but I did.
Damn I can't get this guy out of my head for some reason.
So I'm thinking I gotta step up my game and make this guy notice me
so that he'll come talk to me. I mean I've got to make myself desireable if
he's G right?
So I break out of my usual look of baggy clothes that are way too
big on me. Since I've been growing I have more of a body and I've been
working out all summer so I'm pretty ripped, well at least for a kid, so I'm gonna
wear a tight tank top and see if it gets his attention.
My brother's friends' the desk clerk at the gym today and he asks
what's up with me since I'm wearing the tank top and I'm not usually the
kind of guy that shows off much of his body. I just tell him it's hot
outside and he nods like he knows what I'm up to and that I'm just
wanting to show off all the work I've been doing at this gym. Well at
least he's noticing.
So it sucks because I'm doing chest and arms today and he's doing
legs so we're not really near each other but I do see that he's noticed
I'm wearing less baggy clothes and that my tank top shows off my body.
I also sneak peeks when he's not looking but he catches me a couple of times.
I think hevsmirks but it couldvjust be my imagination. I finish my workout
but I can't find where he is. Now I'll have to wait till the next workout, this so
sucks.
I've told myself the next workout I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna make contact dammit.
So when I enter the gym I see he's there but he's working out with some guy. I
don't even realize there's another guy with him until after I sort of walk up to
where they're working out so I try to play it off and workout on a machine right
next to them. I don't know who this new guy is but they seem to be training pretty hard
together. I don't care though 'cause I made a pact with myself that I'd make some kind of
contact and I will.
The gym is empty so it's got to be obvious I'm only doing machines that
are right next to them so they've got to know that I'm interested in what
they're doing 'cause no one else is even near us. I can feel tension and my stomach is
in knots. I try and make eye contact but everytime I look up he's doing some kind of
exercise that makes it so he can't see me. I do catch him checking me out in the
mirror a couple of times though, he thinks I can't see him but I can.
He looks at my calfs a lot but I don't know why. Maybe it's 'cause it's the
only skin I'm showing today. I probably shoulda wore a tank top...sigh
I finish my leg workout and move to another part of the gym because
they're too busy with each other working out this crazy intense leg workout and
there's no chance of me cutting in just to say 'hey'. That would be too gay.
I'm in the other part of the gym and the guy passes the machine I'm
on to get a drink at the fountain and we finally lock eyes.
It's only for a short while but I know he's looking right
at me. Me, no one else 'cause there's no one else around. I don't let
go of my stare until he does and I'm positive now that he knows I
exist and that I'm interested. My leg workout just got easier.
The two finally move to where the ab machines are so I move to that
part of the gym too and do abs right between them. Now I'm actually
more nervous then before probably 'cause I made the move to be next to them
again so I know he knows I'm following them.
I still do the attitude thing like I'm oblivious to them but it's obvious
I've been following them around the gym. So the hot guy does these dip exercises right
next to me and I can smell his scent, we're that close.
So I'm on the situp bench and he's on the dip machine right next
to me. I'm frozen. I'm not gonna back down now, no way. I know that
would be dumb. So I look up and our eyes meet again, this time we're
only 3 feet max from each other. He doesn't move his eyes from me.
It's like we're both in a trance burning these looks
and messages to each other.
All I see is his beauty. How I was right when I thought that this
is the kind of guy I'm attracted to. I notice his eye color, I notice
his entire face, but what I feel is what he's feeling. If it was a
different time and place we woulda macked, I know it, but that woulda
been too Hollywood for me. This is real life, moments like this tend to be awkward,
and it was: awkward but hot.
The moment our eyes met was the defining moment for me. Now I
realized what I truly desire. And even though I had no idea where this
was going to go, I knew that I had communicated to someone I found desireable my
needs and he felt the same way.
After he finally started a new set and looked away from me, I knew I
needed to move to another part of the gym. I needed to figure out what
it was I felt and whether I was ok with it.
I moved over to where the free weights are to get away but the
mirrors on the wall are positioned perfectly so I could keep my eye
out for him.
I'm sorta in a trance 'cause I just did something spectacular but a
bit confusing, but I do notice that the guys are finished with their
workout and are heading into the locker room. What now? Do I follow them in? Would
that be weird? Obvious? Hello, I've been obvious this entire
workout, right?
So what does any 14 year old with a semi do when they're in this
situation? I follow them in of course. I don't make any eye contact
when I walk in after them but I can sense they know I'm here.
Both are undressing and I don't even
know what to do or where to look. I never shower at the gym and I think that's
a generational thing with guys my age but
I wish to God I had a towel now.
I'm frantically looking around the locker room hoping to see a clean
towel someone left behind but didn't use. Nothing. All the while I'm pretending
to do things in my locker but I'm sneaking glances and I'm seeing what I've only
dreamt about.
Damn that guy is fine, and you can tell the other one is doing the same
workout 'cause his body has the look of someone on a routine but only a few months
into it. I'm in heaven but I'm frozen.
So while I'm trying to look like I'm actually doing something
inside my locker when I'm really not, I walk around with my monkey
milk checking the guys out in the mirror. What happens next is something
written in a bad porn script but it still rocked: the younger comes over and hands me
a clean towel. I guess he had two so he gives me one without even saying anything.
They knew exactly what was going through my mind, I
must be super transparent or something.
I take the towel without saying anything and I'm literally shaking as I'm holding on
to it. They both close their lockers and walk into the shower room, which is just one big
room with a bunch of shower heads. I'm left standing there with a towel and a raging... you know. Sorta numb,
not knowing what I'm going to do, not knowing what I should expect.
I remember that it's dead at the gym this weekend so I'm not going to run into one
of my bros while I'm walking around in a towel. Yeah they would clown me
for sure. So I'm apprehensive but I know if I don't follow
through with this I'll regret it for a very long time.
I start to undress really fast 'cause I don't want someone walking
in and seeing me with this... you know. I just want to change into
this towel and be in the shower room without anyone I know noticing me.
Clothes are off, towel is on, and I've got my thing positioned so
I can point 'it' up and isn't as obvious that I'm super excited. What I'm going to do
with 'it' when I have to pull the towel off I'm not sure but I don't care at this point
but I don't care.
They're already showering when I enter the room and I notice that both ren't as 'excited'
as probably 'cause they're older than I am and can control their
shiz better, I don't know.
I sorta turn so they can't see the front of me body and put
my towel on one of the hooks and scoot to the shower across from the
guy I'm hot for.
He's showering opposite the guy he came here with so I don't know
what's up with that but I notice that they both get super excited now
that I'm in the showers with them.
I still feel kinda ackward though and thinking I'm small and all so I tr
my best to hide my junk even though it's obvious what I'm trying to do.
They eventually turn completely around and finally showing their own excitement
got while soaping themselves under the water. I can't keep hiding so I finally turn
around and we all look at each other and there's this puzzled look in
everyone's face like 'ok now what?'.
I want so badly to touch one of the guys, either of one of them, just to
see what it feels like. I want to be touched too. I don't know if we
can, I don't know if this is all that's allowed. I mean, what if someone walked in? The
gym was dead but what if the trainer downstairs had to come in here
for some reason? I'd be dead if someone found out. I'm just not ready to deal with all that yet.
So instead of it becoming some B-rated porn vid, we all just continue
showering. I think we all enjoy each other even though
there's no actual contact. Maybe it makes it even hotter, I don't know.
I do know I can barely keep it in though. Just watching this going on is making my
head spin and it takes all of
my willpower not to release but I can't hold it in any longer and I do.
I wasn't even touching myself but I guess it was just the idea and being in that room.
I'm sorta embarrassed but only because the other two haven't
finished themselves off, they obviously saw me spew but gave me my privacy.
Now they're rinsing off and ready to towel themselves dry.
I'm left by myself but I can see them toweling off and they're both
smiling at me. Not a leering smile or a judgemental smile. More like
they knew they were doing me a favor and giving me a little of something of what I was hoping
for. Probably the same thing they were hungry for when they were my age.
I take my time and finish showering 'cause I'm sorta winded and my legs are shaking
and I wouldn't know what to say to these guys if they're waiting for me when
I'm done.
While I'm toweling dry I'm thinking to myself that I've finally
come to the realization who I really am and I'm thankful for these two
guys for helping me to understand what I feel, even if there wasn't
any physical contact or conversation. I guess sometimes body language is enough
to understand what the other guy is feeling.
When I'm done drying I go out to the locker room and they're gone
but I'm not bummed. I know they did what they did 'cause I followed them around
and made it obvious I was interested. They wanted me to do what I needed to do
but they couldn't participate because I was too young for them.
I don't really understand the law but I'm guessing this was only cool because it was
done in a public place and there was no physical contact and I was the only one
that actually did anything to myself. They just showered (which actually made it
hot).
I understand the law is there so guys like me are protected but
protected from what? I mean all my other friends brag about how they
scored with some girl or how they would love to mess with someone's MILF
and everyone seems to be ok with that. So why can't I do what I want if it's
not hurting me and it's
what I want?
I don't know, the law is there and nothing can be done about it. I
won't be able to actually pursue the kind of guys I desire for another
three and a half years. And I know that sucks for me but that's life and I'll deal.
I'll deal 'cause now I know that there are guys that would, if things were
different, mack with me. That there are guys out there that I'm hot for that actually
do understand me and why things are the way the are.
Sometimes I wish things were different or that I lived in a
different country but I don't. I'm happy just knowing my new secret 'boyfriend' has
the same feelings I do even if they're not really allowed. Someone understands me and
that's good for now.
And who knows? Maybe he'll be around in three and a half years...
Is Suicide Brave?
"is suicide brave? in some ways i think it might be, i mean i've never
really thought suicide to be selfish, it is, after all, my life right?
those people generally left behind think it's cruel but surely that's even
more selfish. to say 'didn't they realize how loved they were?' i mean
where were these people when i was most despondent? where were they when i
needed someone to just love and accept me for who i am, to encourage me to
live my life they way i saw fit and support all the decisions i made? where
were they 'cause they certainly weren't available for me when i needed them
most. seems like they would rather deal with the 'pleasant and popular'
kids that seem to always do the right thing and make their parents, friends
and family, proud. i guess i'm just not that kid. so why go on?" -Excerpt
from PJ's myspace blog.
"
I try not to remember my friend and his selfish act
funny how a
friend I thought I knew so well could have left so much of him in me.
"sometimes i really hate him and i get so frustrated and angry and
question, though i know it's so stupid as no one knows. why the f ck didn't
he have the courage to just ask me instead of rape me? why do people do
that to someone that's just a kid?" -Excerpt from PJ's myspace blog.
This is a story about a boy named PJ that attempted suicide when he was
13 years old. It's a story about what led up to that suicide attempt and
what events shaped his personality as a kid growing up in an affluent
Southern California beach community where most of his peers live in
mini-mansions and have had plastic surgery before their 18th birthday.
PJ says he had a pretty normal childhood, loved by his parents, who
became successful during the California real estate boom in the 1980s and
90s, but spent less and less time with their child as their business
prospered and flourished. "Yeah I had pretty much everything a kid could
want growing up, I just didn't really have my parents. They weren't around
much" he says. PJ was taken care of by a live-in nanny that he claims was
nice to him but didn't speak much english and didn't comprehend American
culture. "It was like being raised in this great household by someone that
wasn't my parent, I only got to see my parents when they weren't busy
working". Thrown into pre-school as soon as he was admitted to a
prestigious private school in Laguna, PJ learned how to relate to kids his
age and older and how to get along with others, something foreign to him
considering he was an only child. "I didn't have a problem making friends
or learning how to share things, I wasn't your typical 'only child'." PJ
admits it was his easy-going personality that usually made him friends and
he was well liked by most of the other pre-school kids.
Fast forward to picture day at his elementary school in the third grade.
"It was weird, it just hit me one day, picture day most kids were dressed
up more than other days. My friend Phillip came to class and I thought he
was the most handsome kid I had ever seen, that was probably the moment I
knew my life had taken a drastic turn even though at the time I didn't
comprehend what I was feeling".
Thinking nothing about his attraction to his friend Phillip, PJ didn't
act on his feelings too much, he just knew they were there. "I was too
young to really have any feelings for boys or girls at that age but I knew
that I liked something that most boys at that age didn't. I mean, I didn't
obsess on it or anything, but the thoughts and feelings were always there
floating in my head. I would literally go out of my way to meet guys I
thought were cute, sorta like a straight guy probably does with girls he's
attracted to". Being a boy and that young, it's not really a problem making
male friendships, guys aren't into girls yet at that age so there's lots of
boy bonding, something PJ really enjoyed. "Oh yes, knowing that I thought
so-and-so was cute and then actually making friends and hanging out with
him was a fantastic accomplishment. There really was no stopping in who I
wanted to meet. I'd turn on my humor and personality and the guy would
usually always want to be my friend. I had no problem being popular with
the 'boys' per se".
Sparked by insistance from his BFF Mike Johnson, PJ played little league
baseball and soccer but his passion was Pop Warner football. "I was good at
baseball and even better at soccer but I liked the close contact in
football the most". PJ in elementary school was super ok with his feelings
for boys, then middle school hit. "Yeah that's when I started to stand out
in the crowds 'cause all my friends hit puberty and bam! Instant girl
crazy, I just didn't feel the same way and it seemed like I was starting to
lose some of my friends because they would spend less time with me and more
time with girls. I didn't despise these girls I just didn't understand all
the fascination on my friends' part".
Going through puberty was when things started getting harder for PJ,
learning he was different and that most boys didn't have the same feelings
and actually joked about guys that were gay, PJ started feeling alienated.
"I was always part of the pack, always popular. I was good at school and
sports and guys and girls liked me, I never really had to try hard to be
PJ, until my feelings for boys started getting in the way". PJ says his
desire for boys, some of them friends he grew up with, got more intense at
the same pace as his friends desire for girls. "It's like all of a sudden
this divide happened between my friends and I, I felt like an outcast, like
I didn't belong anymore and I didn't know anyone I could turn to that I
could talk about this. I was alone and I was just hoping the feelings would
go away, that I could just be normal and be like all my friends, so I could
fit in again and not go through all this emotional garbage".
Although he loved his parents he wasn't that close to them, at least not
close enough to discuss anything like this. When he approached his mom
about maybe seeing someone about 'stuff he was dealing with at school' his
mom dismissed him and said that people in their family didn't seek
counseling and that anything he was going through would play itself out and
just to concentrate on school and sports and everything would be ok. She
also said if it was 'girl' problems to go talk to his dad considering he
apparently was a stud in school according to his mom and would probably
have an answer to any questions PJ might have about growing up.
Feeling left out with nowhere to go, PJ turned to his BFF Mike, since
they were always playing sports after school they didn't really have to
take gym class so they would take roll and then usually ditch and walk to
the closest convenience store and load up on crap. "Mike and I were tight,
we grew up together in the same neighborhood and remained close as we grew
up. We played for the same teams and went to the same schools. We were
inseperable".
Thinking your best friend would be the ideal person to confide his
secret, PJ nonchalantly asked MIke "What if you found out one of your
friends was gay?" PJ says MIke thought about it for a bit and then told him
that he wouldn't have a problem with it himself but that his friends would
think it was weird that he would have a gay friend. Mike even has a gay
uncle but couldn't really see himself having a gay friend in middle school.
"I didn't want to lose him as a friend and I knew I would if I told him
about me. He even turned to me and asked me if it was me I was talking
about and when I said that yeah it might be me, the look he had seemed like
he was truly disgusted and disappointed in me. I lightened things up and
told him it wasn't true, it wasn't me but that I did have a hard on for
him, that seemed to get a laugh out of him and lighten up his mood 'cause
he really did think I was kidding".
Seems as though MIke did think PJ was kidding at the time but must of
thought more about what he told him in the days afterwards. "We went to a
girls birthday party and had fun just like we always do but somehow Mike
was a little different by the end of the party. Some girl said she wanted
to meet me to MIke and I guess he got upset at that for some reason." PJ
says that Mike told him about what the girl said and then told PJ "Doesn't
matter much to you though considering you want to suck me off instead,
right?" PJ didn't know what to make of Mike's remark and just thought he
might be kidding. "After that party on the walk home, things were
different. I wanted to ask him about what he said but didn't even know how
to approach him about it so I just let it go, big mistake."
Mike spent the night that night like he usually does and while they were
sleeping Mike got up apparently and accosted PJ. "We always messed around
and wrestled since we were kids but this was different. I don't know if it
was pent up agression or Mike just wanted to teach me a lesson but from the
look in his eyes I could tell he meant harm." Not only did Mike rough PJ
up, he also sexually assaulted him which struck PJ as odd. "I guess he was
trying to teach me some kind of lesson or something but if us fighting got
him hard enough to mess with me, doesn't that say something about the whole
situation?" Needless to say the event was not exciting for PJ "No, I wasn't
into it at all. I think of Mike as my brother, even closer actually, but
when he was doing that to me I think I just left my body, it wasn't me that
was being violated. I got zero pleasure from it." Apparently that wasn't
the case with Mike considering he had his way with PJ and came to a climax.
What provokes someone to go as far as harm someone, physically and
emotionally, especially when he despises the act, just doesn't make any
sense.
After that night the boys relationship deteriorated rapidly. "I didn't
even know what to say to Mike afterwards. Part of me blamed myself
considering this type of sexual activity is what I craved but not in a
violent way and I'm not sure it was Mike that I wanted my first experience
with". PJ slowly fell into a slow downward spiral. Without his best friend
Mike, he roamed alone at a time when relationships meant the most to a kid.
"I would walk into a room where Mike was and you could fell the tension. I
think part of it was his fear that I would tell people what happened and
part of it was him seeing me as a different person, someone he didn't know
anymore and was sorta afraid of".
"I lost a lot that night. I lost my innocence, my virginity, my best
friend and my soul. It wasn't really how I thought my first time would be".
That one moment when it happened changed PJ forever. He lacked interest in
school and his friendships and started becoming a recluse in his room. Only
coming out for food and to go to school. He missed school a lot and
wandered around usually hanging out at the beach and surfing. "I couldn't
drive yet so I would stash my surfboard in the bushes out front and
pretended to go to school and wait for my parents to leave for work. Then
I'd gather my board and go to the beach and surf all day. Surfing was his
Zen, it was the only thing he could relate to. "I've surfed since I could
remember, it was the bond that kept all his neighborhood friends together".
"I guess at that time I could consider myself gay, but gay or not, I was
still a surfer and surfing didn't require a team or coach, it was something
I could do alone. I was really alone at this point in my life so it was a
perfect fit; just me and the ocean. You can do a lot of thinking when
you're floating around waiting for the next set of waves to come along".
Even though the ocean has all the natural beauty that allows a young boy
a perfect playground to excel in, it also has its seedier side. Most
beaches tend to draw the community's aimless transient crowd. "Every day
that I would go down to surf there usually was some older skanky guy trying
to befriend me. Don't get me wrong, I actually like hanging out with older
guys but these guys were creepy. They were low-lifes, I could see death in
their eyes".
One afternoon PJ was walking home from surfing at the beach that day and
this one homeless guy followed him home. He was obviously inebriated and
didn't have much coordination so PJ could fight him off but it was another
scary incident PJ had to deal with. "I didn't know if I was just a random
victim to this guy or he singled me out as someone that likes guys. I
started having questions about what I looked like to people when I walked
around. I started thinking maybe I had gay face or something. And maybe
that wouldn't be so bad if it attracted someone I was into but instead it
seemed to draw the dregs of society to me. I now had two experiences where
someone wanted to sexually assault me without my permission. It really
started to make me feel helpless and hopeless. I thought I was just going
to walk around the world this gay guy that was everyone's victim. I didn't
want that. I didn't really know what I wanted yet but I knew I didn't want
to be treated like somebody's hole".
Maybe it was the incident with the homeless guy or the assault by Mike
or maybe it was both combined, but it was at this time that PJ started to
seriously consider suicide. "I didn't care anymore. I didn't have my
friends. I could care less about doing well in school and my parents were
never around for support. I just wanted it all to end. You know maybe start
over again..."
PJ remembers the day he decided to go through with his plan for a
suicide. "Yeah, I remember it like it was yesterday. It was a cloudy,
drizzlely day, not very common in SoCal, but a perfect day for a death I
decided. I thought that downing a bunch of my mom's pills would probably do
the job and I'd just do it in my room without a note or anything. I mean
after I'm dead what good would it do for my parents, friends and family to
wonder if they could of saved their 'gay' relative? I just thought it was
better to let them think of me like they always thought of me: as the
perfectly happy child they loved".
Funny the way things happen but that afternoon someone came to the door.
Mike. "You could see from his eyes that he must of been crying or something
'cause they were all red and he was flushed". PJ let him in and just waited
for Mike to say something. They waited a long time. "Something like 30
minutes passed before Mike even said anything". Mike asked PJ where he'd
been, that he rarely saw him at school anymore. When PJ asked whether Mike
missed him, Mike said "Yeah dude, I miss my best friend".
"I didn't even know what to say to this. For so long I had given up on
any reconciliation with Mike and part of me was still mad at him for him
taking advantage of me but I knew deep down that part of him probably
thought he was either teaching me a lesson to realize that I would never
want to be with a guy that way and part of me made me think that maybe he
did that to me 'cause it was his way of showing me affection but that he
couldn't show it in a girl-guy kind of way so he had to bring violence into
play so he could justify his actions. I know I thought this out a zillion
times while out surfing by myself but I still couldn't ever explain it and
neither could Mike. I just know he was sorry and therefore the tears".
"Maybe I'm a sucker and should never of forgiven Mike and probably
should of turned him in but both of us were so in the dark about each
others feelings, not about each other but about the situation. I mean we're
best friends so aren't you supposed to be close but how close is too close?
We didn't know, maybe we'll never know. All I know is I missed having Mike
as my best friend. I missed my whole other life, the life before I realized
I was attracted to other boys and I wanted it all back".
Call it a miracle or some type of holy intervention but in some strange
way Mike saved PJ from committing something that would of made everyone
close to PJ incredibly empty and sad. "I was upset with Mike after the
attack but I was never really mad at him. I knew we both were completely
confused. I just didn't know it would turn into a nightmare life after
finally admitting to someone how I felt. I'm sure it wasn't the ideal
reaction we both would of wanted but luckily things turned out the way they
did. Mike and I didn't really talk things out as much as just voiced what
it was that f cked with our heads so much. Worried about what our friends
and family would say and how our relationship would be construed did
concern us a lot and gave us tons of grief but one thing we knew was the
bond we shared could somehow overcome all this and probably make us
stronger, we just didn't know how".
PJ is now 16. He says most of his friends and all of his family know
about his sexuality today and are ok with it. Most but not all. MIke is
still his best friend and his biggest supporter and they've become
inseparable once again. His parents still work all the time but try to make
more time to spend with their son to try and involve themselves more with
PJ's world, his new world as a gay person. PJ hasn't really dated anyone
seriously yet but feels he has enough love in him that eventually someone
will come along and sweep him off his feet. "I'd choose Mike and only
because after seeing how loyal and supportive he's become he's really made
me start to fall in love with him. He knows this too and said to me once
that he would fall for a guy like me but then his parents would be upset
'cause he wouldn't produce grand kids for them. I know that's just his
excuse but it's good to know he's so much more knowledgeable now that at
least I don't repulse him anymore and that he's not afraid to have a gay
best friend".
Ying Yang Twins
I met John 'cause I was dating his sister, Val, at the time but he didn't give me much attention when I first met him because of well, the sister connection. I really liked Val but it was a high school thing; going out together, having fun and hanging out with friends. Didn't last long probaby 'cause we were better friends then anything else. She was hot though but I guess I was sorta scum 'cause then I met some girl from spain and brought her to a party that we were all at and I guess Val thought we were more of a couple already than I thought we were so I probably made her feel bad but I was a pig back then and thought more about what I wanted and wondered what it would be like to spend the night with that spanish girl rather then worry about breaking someone's heart.
Yeah I started out dating girls. I mean I knew I had attractions for guys since I was young but I put those feelings aside so I could fit in while in high school and my surf bros would so not understand if I was completely gay in hs. This is soCal and it is the beach scene, stuff like that is funny to us but we don't really associate with anyone that's really g. Yeah there were times I would get with my bros after surfing, drinking beers and stuff, and some of these guys really got loaded and by the end of the drink session they were pretty hammered and you sense desire in their eyes but nothing ever happened but some innocent wrestling smack downs. I'm sure we all probably knew that if things did happen then it would get weird between us and we just didn't desire it enough to want to go there. Besides, we all had gfs, that's what they were there for.
While in hs i worked at a grocery store bagging people's food and stuff. It was an ok job, made money, sometimes even met girls and it kept me out of trouble. I always had guys coming up to me in school asking if we were hiring but usually they were the type of guys that I wouldn't recommend anyway 'cause they were flakes and I didn't want to end up working with them and having to do their job while they skated through their work shift. Most of my bros didn't have to work though, their parents made enough money so they just coasted through life and didn't need the extra money like I did. One day at work I see Val's brother John walk into the store and he sorta recognizes me but doesn't remember where. He's here for an interview, something that was set up at school. He comes in with his spikey blonde hair and I can't get my eyes off of him. For some reason, right then and there, I fell for him, I fell hard. I don't really know what it was exactly, whether it was the way he talked or how his crystal blue eyes looked at me while we were talking, but I fell and I knew then that I would do anything to get John a job at my store. I figured he probably didn't feel the same way and only wanted a job but I didn't care. I was hooked.
Since I was pretty much on good terms with the store manager they asked me info on John and I told them I knew the family and they were all hard workers, blah, blah, blah. I would of told them anything to get John a job there but I really knew from stories that Val told me that John was actually a bit of a rebel and partied a lot, surfed most of the time, and didn't do very well at school. He was a freshman and I was a senior so I didn't know much about him or who he hung out with but I would see him out in the water surfing and he was always surrounded by the popular surf gang. John had been surfing and winning contests since he was a grom. Needless to say he was popular, especially with the girls.
The schedule at work was rigged so I worked most days with John and trained him 'cause management thought since I knew his family that we would make a good team. Little did they know my ulterior motive. John picked up the job fast and was actually a good worker. He showed a lot of enthusiasm for the job and we both got along really great. He liked my sense of humor and of course I already had it for him so anything he said seemed interesting to me. Weird but I never felt like that with a girl. With a girl, we hungout and had a good time, but it seemed like it was all for appearances, like we were supposed to be with each other 'cause we were in hs and all, but there wasn't any real closeness. Probably my fault. I was distant but didn't even realize it at the time. I was interested but I just wasn't as into it as I thought I was. I was more focused on surfing and hanging out with my bros at the time I guess.
So John and I start hanging out outside of work more and we become surf bros and hangout as much as we can. We surf and turn each other onto new music 'cause we're into the scene. The soCal music scene. So now I have my bro with me that I'm all into and I have some type of crush on him but I don't know how to even deal with it. I just knew it felt good surfing together and hanging out. I set out to do something and I made it happen. I wasn't really sure what I was going to do with it now that I had it but at least we were close and that was enough for me for right now.
John and I hung out a lot those days. We would work and then go party at someones house and in the morning we would usually surf and then the cycle would start all over again. It was weird but we became so close that even Val made a comment that we probably were boyfriends or something. When anyone said things like that we both would just laugh 'cause we knew we didn't do stuff like that with each other but then when we would look at each other you could tell that we wondered about it. Sometimes the tension would be too much and we'd argue about something stupid but usually it was misdirected anger and we'd end up letting it go and just surf. Surfing was the glue that held us together. When we'd paddle out, we'd take off on a wave and show off for each other like we were being filmed. We literally would shine on a wave and mostly because we were showing off for each other. It was our bond, it was our statement to each other and the world, to say 'hey, we rock, we surf like mutha f'ers and yeah, we think we might have some kind of crazy love for each other."
Yeah it starting getting deep then. I mean we were both dating girls at the time but you could tell we were falling for each other. It was all so new to us both and we didn't even know what to do with it but we knew it was there. Sometimes it made us more close, sometimes it made us fight but it was there and there wasn't anything either of us could do about it. I guess in our minds it was good enough knowing that we felt this way about each other but never acted on it. We just loved being in love with each other. For the moment that was good enough, no sex was required.
There was one time that it almost happened though. We ate a bunch of shrooms and went to a party way the hell out in the mountains. We were so high by the time we got to the party we couldn't even talk. We ended up spending the night sleeping on some guys bear skin rug on the living room floor. We literally passed out. I woke up in the middle of the night and tried to figure what the shizz was up; and then I saw John sleeping next to me passed out. So I sorta perv'd out and took advantage, nothing super perv but I did reach over and feel him up outside of his jeans, he never woke up though. Nothing big but I knew then that something was going to happen eventually but I wasn't sure he'd ever be into it so I just let it go. I don't even remember what it felt like. I must of been really hammered.
After that incident John started partying a lot more than me or any of my other friends and after a couple of times being at parties and him being completely belligerent, a lot of my friends stopped hanging out with him 'cause he was really starting to act like an ass and say stupid things. He became more punk rock and started listening to hardcore punk and took on that look. Gone was the blonde mop he had always worn and now he had a shaved head and started hanging with other punks that didn't surf. There wasn't a time I remember that he wasn't drunk during this period and I started distancing myself from him. Looking back I should of probably stayed close and just been there for him but maybe we both needed a break from each other considering we were so f cking close that our friendship started scarying us both.
John would still try and hangout during his punk phase but I would just ignore his calls or say I was busy and couldn't hangout. His eyes were talking to me again and I could see even through his alcohol hazed eyes that he wondered where his best friend went. But what I saw was just a kid in self-destruct mode and didn't know how to deal. I didn't care for his punk friends and their anarchy attitude and they didn't surf. I mean they were all white kids from wealthy homes living on the beach. What could they possibly be angry about. Little did I know behind that suburban facade was a lot of hurt. Parents that were still partying into their 40s and didn't really want the burden of raising their teenagers so they were never around, or sober, and some relatives that abused some of these guys. There was a lot of that going on but not the stuff you hear about in the news or in music. These were punks, rich punks, with rich kid problems. I didn't know how to relate. I wasn't part of this crowd. I was happy, or so I thought. I mean I missed John but I moved on. I surfed with other guys from work and school and I started hanging out with a new different crowd.
John never really admitted it but he thought that I abandoned him. He thought that if we were truly in love we would never not hangout, we were both young, we didn't know any better. I went my way and looked for my happiness and I didn't even realize I left John out of my life. Crazy thing is we both were dating girls that were best friends so we'd still hear about each other and what we were doing but we didn't spend much time together anymore. He didn't surf much or work at the store anymore either so there didn't seem to be any reason to hangout much.
John's senior year he and his gf Kimmy and her bff Michele (my gf) all went to the prom together. We booked rooms at the hotel everyone else had rooms at and got invited to all the after-prom parties. We pimp limo'd to the prom and did that whole prom thing. Got to the hotel and partied harder. Finally John and I got to spend some time together away from all the distractions. His punk gang wasn't with him and my new surf bros didn't go to this school so they weren't around either. We were pretty trashed but we talked some things out and when he asked why I didn't hangout down at PB Drive much anymore I was honest with him. I didn't have anything to lose anymore so I told him outright "John I fell in love with you and I didn't know what to do with it." "When I thought about starting something with you and how our friends would freak and you would probably not be able to handle it either, I just decided to disappear, I didn't know what else to do." He just looked at me. Didn't say a word but I could tell in his eyes he knew what I did to him that night up in the mountains, I could just tell he knew.
Since we were sorta distracted about all the after-prom stuff we didn't say much to each other about what we were thinking 'cause we had our gfs and did all that stuff. I don't think anyone knew what was going on but there was some crazy tension shizz between us but we both just let it go 'cause we didn't know what else to do about it. John did look hot in his tux though. I knew then why I was so obsessed with him from the beginning. Would I ever get with John? I didn't know. I had a gf on my arm and so did he. We were happy. At least we pretended we were.
Michelle and I had a lot of fun when we were a couple. I think she loved being in a relationship with me and I adored her for that. I was super attracted to her sexy ways and she knew it. Our sex was everything I needed. I was completely content. We'd take road trips together to Rosarito Beach and f ck our brains out in a hotel room. We were tight but she was still finishing up hs and I was already going to college. We were in a relationship that was ideal for the moment. No long term commitment plans, we just enjoyed our time together. But then, opps, all of a sudden this character comes out of the blue from nowhere that I met through another friend a while back at some party. I only met him once, he was from LA and went to UCLA. He was fun and strange in a mysterious kind of LA way. I didn't really think much about him but thought he was fun to party with. So I come home from a night of partying and he's there waiting for me on my porch swinging in the hammock. I don't even know how he found out where I lived. I guess it was that mysterious thing in him; he found things out. So we don't even say much when I walk up, I'm surprised he's there but not shocked for some reason. And instantly I know what's gonna happen. I can sense it. He wants me and I want... it. We get together that night and it's different than being with a girl but it's good but in a completely different way. I guess I was wondering about this for such a long time and then when I finally get to try it, and with a guy from LA, it's hot. I don't even know how to describe it but to this day I remember it like it happened yesterday. Today I would consider it vanilla sex but at the time it was like going all the way. It was hot. Andy went on to become an actor in Hollywood. He was even on a primetime show. Crazy shizz.
Mysterious Andy leaves on his motorcycle just as quickly as he showed up. Not a formal goodbye but a grin and a pat on the back. I didn't care. We pleasured each other, it felt good, different but good. When I'm left all alone I realize my life has changed and I can't go back to pretending with Michelle. I know I need to be honest with her and break things up 'cause I love her. I'm not even sure what to do with this 'guy thing' but I know that I can't lie to her. She ends up understanding, said she felt that I was probably bi or something and I'm guessing that has to do with the John and me connection. I love her for understanding, I will always remember our time together.
The Andy incident makes me realize I need to come clean with all my friends so it's one big coming out party (not literally, mostly just face-to-face explanation while smoking weed) for me. I don't really know if I'm going to pursue anything with a guy but I wanted to be honest with my friends so they wouldn't have to hear it from someone else. Most are ok with it. A few of my surf bros sorta freak but some actually become closer, like they want a g friend and now are more comfortable with me. It feels good but it's sorta weird too. I mean if I have a crush on a guy, a guy in my circle, most likely he's gonna be straight, how do I deal? It's something I think about but don't dwell.
I haven't seen or heard from John for months. I hear he's still on his self-destructive path and he hears that I've come out. We hear this from mutual friends but we don't contact each other. One night his VW bus pulls up my driveway and he walks up with a 12-pack of beer. I know that this is the time we're going to sit and talk things out. It was bound to happen and we both knew it. He's all punked out with his skin head and punk clothes. He smells like sweat and beer and I'm still 100% attracted to him. His speech is slurred and I'm trying to get as hammered as possible as fast as I can while he's talking shizz about something. We talk about stuff for hours, we talk about our ex gfs, we talk about surf, we talk about music. We drink, we drink some more and then we try finding something else to drink. We're loaded. I have the Clash on and he gets up and moshes. My place is small and it becomes a wreck instantly. I'm up and we're both slamming into each other, shirts off, sweat pouring, music blarring. We crash into each other hard and fall down on the couch. He turns to me, looks up, blue eyes shining and makes out with me, sloppy. He tastes like beer and pot and smells like sweet and his braces hurt my tongue. I think I see God when I kiss back.
Getting naked with John was easy I guess 'cause we wondered about it for so long. We surfed together so we so pretty much already saw all of each others bodies except for the junk. I wasn't so much wondering how big it was or anything, just what it looked like, what it would feel like when I touched it. For so long I wondered what it would be like and finally I was gonna find out.
John was your typical blonde; blue eyed, soCal surfer-type. Tight body from surfing all the time with zero body hair. When I got his clothes off it was like rubbing up against something I knew would be hot but never thought would actually happen. He was so blonde even his pubes were blonde and the only place he had any hair except for his pits and pubes was a bit on his ass. Sex was awkward 'cause we really didn't know what were doing. I just remember gritting my teeth each time his braces rubbed against my shaft. It stung like hell but I wanted it so I dealt. Our kisses were sloppy and we both tasted like beer and pot. The making out was the best for me. I would keep my eyes open and watch his pretty boy face, so smooth, sun burnt, kissing me back. The braces I had to deal with while kissing too but in a way it was sweet. The guy I was with still had braces on, how cute. We probably 69'd forever considering we wanted to taste this for so long. His dick was finally mine. It tasted like I thought it would. It tasted like him. We eventually moved on to... well you know. He bent over my couch for me and we had sloppy sex. We didn't know what to expect. He didn't really scream or anything, just sorta cringed. I nutted inside him kissing his ears and hugging to the backside of his body. I was spent but he hadn't come yet. He wanted to enter me but I didn't think I could do it so I finished him off with my mouth and tasted his seed. We both collapsed on the floor next to my couch and passed out. We shared between each other something we both never expected to. We loved each other and we went somewhere that was totally foreign to both of us: Nirvana.
The next morning was like any other morning. We woke up, drove to the local mexican food drive-thru, ate burritos and paddled out to surf. We still showed off surfing for each other just like we always had but now we both shared something even more deep. Something we wanted to share for so long, something we always will have between each other: A love unlike anything we'll ever experience again.
To this day I still think about John and our friendship together and I just smile. I look around at the younger grom surfers when I'm out in the water and I see how they play with each other. And I know some of them are expereincing the same bliss I did with John. John will always be my first. We fell for each other and didn't even know it. I will always have it for him, always.
Our Very First Pride Event
It's our very first Pride event and we decided to go for the west coast grand Daddy of them all; the San Francisco LGBT Pride Parade. And boy, we weren't disappointed.
The flight from soCal to SF International is so short it barely allows you to get served a coke. Looking around at all the other passengers it's obvious we're not the only ones going to SF Pride this weekend.
We get off our flight and immediately go down to the mass transit terminal to catch the BART train into SF. We descend underground to the train platform at the airport and a 20 minute minute train ride pops us up in downtown San Francisco within blocks of our hotel. We're amazed at how easy taking mass transit is up here considering we're both from car-centric southern California where we couldn't even fathom taking mass transit anywhere, which is kind of sad.
Taking a flight and underground train and then walking out onto downtown San Francisco is quite a shock. I mean just a few hours ago we were surrounded by the arid semi-desert expansiveness that is LAX and now we surface from an underground tunnel and bam! we're smack-dab in the middle of a true urban metropolis. With skyscrapers, buses and taxis and crazies everywhere. We fell in love immediately.
We probably loved it so much 'cause SF is in such contrast to what we're use to in SoCal, the land of eternal suburbs. In SF, you can literally walk anywhere or take a multitude of transit options and you're exposed to all kinds of different people. In SoCal it's all about the car you drive and everyone looks the same; generic surf attire and attitude. In SF it's a mishmash of different looks and cultures. For years the Gap has been force-feeding this 'thrift-store, heroin-junky rockstar look, but in SF it just comes natural, it's part of the fabric here and the people don't dress this way to impress, they dress this way because of necessity, because it's so damn stinking expensive that they've had to figure out ways to live here within their means. It's an awesome look. Style emanates from every nook and cranny of this urban jungle and it's an awesome change of pace from the store-bought 'look' we're use to seeing in SoCal.
Not only do the people here have way more style, they're actually very friendly and have tons of personality compared to where Matt and I live. We would just stand on a corner looking confused about which way to get to our hotel and people would actually ask if we needed help with directions. Not that I'm jaded or anything but back home if someone approached me and asked me the exact same question I'd wonder if they were dickin' with me and probably giving me directions in the opposite direction from my hotel. Yikes! I'm in my 20s and already so affected...
Our hotel sits on the fringe of Union Square, the major shopping district that expands every which way depending on what you're looking to shop for. You've got your typical mall stores with the exception that these locations are HUGE and have stuff I've never even seen in their mall counterparts. You've got an entire Macy's dedicated to just men. I guess that sums it all up right there: Men
We've always heard that SF has a history of being the gay mecca of the west coast and it's an obvious sense you get just by the sexual energy you feel as you're walking around. It's not like everyone is cruising or hitting on you, it's more that you feel like you're actually part of the community here rather then a fringe minority. And since it's male-oriented it's going to have a sexual buzz about it. And yes, you can feel that buzz. It's enlightening, it's empowering, it's awesome.
Saturday prior to the parade is called Pink Saturday and it's actually a street party in the Castro neighborhood that rivals the actual parade the next day in fun and craziness. You know all those flawless drag queens and trannies you see on television and the movies? Well they're all here, loud and queer, and boy are they faboolous in every way. Maybe it's them or just the entire northern California gay population, but everyone is super friendly and smiley all the time (and no, I don't think it was crack-is-wack happiness). I mean every single person was happy and having a good time. We don't experience that too much in LA, unless of course the circuit boys are all hopped up on animal tranquilizers with their eyes rolling in different directions, but then that's a scary happiness.
So Matt and I are walking around the blocked off streets of the Castro on Pink Saturday, just looking at all the amazing people, some of them in costumes, some of them not, and we're getting a lot of attention 'cause I guess we sort of stick out. We don't really have the NorCal look but it's not like people were being rude 'cause we're not from here, they were actually very welcoming and loved that we're young and in love. It was an awesome feeling. We felt genuinely proud to be part of this celebration, as gay guys and as a gay couple. We had grins on our faces all night long. We partied, we danced. We met tons of interesting people and we even got some interest from some porn producer to star in a movie some time in the future. Hey it's SF, what did you expect.
Needless to say, SF welcomed us with open arms Saturday night and we left the Castro to go back to our hotel with the warmest feeling inside us. We made a smart move coming up here to experience SF Pride (thanks GSR for bankrolling us!) and we still had more surprises ahead...
Sunday Pride. The weather was supposed to be chilly and windy, typical Bay Area summer weather, but instead it was warm and sunny. The gods were smiling on our parade this day, a really good omen.
Since we wanted to be surrounded by good vibe again this morning, Matt and I took one of the historic street cars from our hotel downtown to the Castro. Super cool. With the sun out on gay Sunday, everybody was already smiling and preparing for the parade. We decided to have some breakfast and get a good start to our morning. The Castro has tons of great restaurants and the food is always super fresh and tasty. What a great way to start the day. After brunch we walked around a bit just to take in some of the Castro neighborhood before heading down to parade-central along Market Street downtown. Walking around this neighborhood you see things you don't see in other towns, things like dolls with boners in the store windows, a lot of merchandise geared towards gay men, and a melding of gay history as well as it's future. You see Daddy's having coffee and lounging at the Starbucks, twinks walking in groups laughing at everything with their nervous laughter, and everything in between, including strollers. And tons of them! If you think Castro is a gay ghetto, it's not. It's evolved and straight people that embrace diversity have been flocking to this area for years and bring their own brand of culture to the mix. It's nice to be able to walk around and not feel like you're insignificant just because you're not walking with your entire family at the mall. Here everyone has respect for you, you're treated equal. Again, an awesome feeling.
Finally it was time to head on down to the parade, we were a bit high on Monster energy drinks so we decided to walk the few miles and take in the scenary. We were not alone in this thinking 'cause apparently half the population must take to the streets and walk to their destination rather then take a car or wait for transit. In SF the pedestrian, bicycles and mass transit don't necessarily rule over cars, but it sure comes close.
Walking around the neighborhoods in SF is highly recommended. You can feel the soul and beat of the different neighborhoods and really get a sense of the population and the environment that shapes them. The incredible history and the fact a lot of it is preserved and embraced, could be one of the main influences in people's behavior here. In LA we have freeways and strip malls, doesn't really make you feel good about where you live most of the time.
As we cross Van Ness Avenue we start hearing the deep thumping of what turns out to be 4 or 5 different dance floors set up on blocked off streets around the main festival which takes place near Civic Center. Just the fact that the main stage is set up on the stairs of City Hall tells you how much political influence the gay population has in this great city.
Matt and I walk down towards the Ferry building and find some good real estate on the sunny side of the street and watch the parade. I think all parades start out with Dykes on Bikes but this one starts out with over 2 hours of them. A bit of an overkill but inspiring nonetheless.
Most of the parade goes by without much fanfare, it just goes on forever. The politicians that show up are a nice show of support and the PFLAG contingent is huge. Everything from support groups, athletic clubs, bars, porn and lube and alcohol are all represented at this parade. Nothing is held back, nothing is shameful. It's overwhelming and delightful all at the same time.
The parade lasts for hours and after a while you sorta think you've seen the same floats over and over but you haven't. I look at Matt and he looks at me with the same idea: Time to move on. So we head back up Market Street towards the festival in Civic Center.
The parade is fun and all but the festival is where you can really get close to the 'characters' that make up the Bay Area gay community. There's no fences to keep people out, or in, only volunteers asking for a donation as you enter. All the proceeds go to causes around the Bay Area. Another cool touch.
We enter on the block that has all the carny food, you know, the food that you can get at anytown USA carnivals. Matt and I pass by these quickly since we've already eaten but they seem to be pretty popular. It's good to see that people are eating again at gay events. Maybe tina is working its way out of the gay community afterall.
Beer is sold freely and you don't have to be corraled behind fences in order to get your buzz on. Another nice touch SF. Both Matt and I are too young to drink and besides, we didn't want to spoil our natural buzz from just being here.
The festival is filled with tons of activity. You can walk around and visit booths with all kinds of information on gay activities, starting a family, political interests, athletic events, merchandise and food. It's fun to see all the different offerings but it's exhausting. Like going to a flea market and feeling spent by the time you reach the last row.
There are stages set up on different blocks that offered different genres of music. A stage for afro-centric beats, a super fast techno stage for the twinks, and their admirers of course. A stage that offered acts targeted to the asian crowd. Another stage for the huge hispanic population, this is still California ya know. And the stage for all the other club kids. Here's where you would find most of the pretty boys. We felt most comfortable dancing here although we sampled all the dance floors and had fun at each.
There is also the main stage set up in front of City Hall that has a different act or speaker just about every 15 minutes. From celebrities to politicians, to comedians to local live music acts. Very entertaining. We just sat on the grass along with all the other people and enjoyed something a little different. At other parades this is the least crowded of stages, in SF it's the most packed and boisterous. That says a lot about this crowd. They get involved and their proud of it. Even the mayor got up and thanked the crowd for being part of the community and for our input. Said we should be given credit for bringing tolerance and acceptance to this area. Thanks man for giving up some cred. You don't hear that much from a politician. And what a handsome mayor he is btw, but I digress...
Matt and I are dancing at the club kid stage and the crowd is spectacular. You've got every type of person represented here and every single one is grooving hard to the club beats. I mean hard. SF takes its dancing seriously. It's not like other places where you try hard to be hip and not look dumb while doing it, nuh uh, here it's all about expression, it's all about working it hard on the dance floor and the harder you jerk the more people gravitate towards you. It's like they feed off your energy and that makes you work it harder. I don't remember if I've ever danced better in my life, and all the while looking around me at all the smiles. What an experience. Who needs E when you've got all this?
Even awesome events have to come to an end sometime and when they announced that it was the last mix you could tell people were sad but elated from being in such an invigorating environment. David Harness, DJ extrodanaire, closed the set with a 70s disco classic and then another classic Jaydee song. It ooozed SF, it ooozed what being gay is all about: Being happy. And we all were.
Thank you SF for allowing us to be part of your Pride. We will never forget our time spent there and we hope to continue sharing the good vibe you gave us to all the people we come across in our small world. SF lives on forever, in our hearts and in our soul. Peace.
My Gay BFF
I met Scott when we were both in grade school. We both played for the same little league baseball team. He wasn't the best player on the team but he
always had enthusiasm for every game, even practice. I gravitated towards him right away 'cause of his athletic ability and the fact he was always making
everyone laugh. If kids can fall in love with their childhood friends, then I certainly did. We were inseparable.
All through school we hung out, had the same teachers and pretty much did everything together. Our parents were friends and both our families would
take summer vacations together up the coast on the beach
On one trip, we were in our last grade of elementary school, another family joined our summer trip and they had twin daughters. We hung out with them
most of the time and they'd hangout on the beach while Scott and I surfed. I would talk about the girls relentlessly trying to figure out which one Scott
was hot for and which one I would get. Scott never seemed interested, and in fact, he looked sort of irritated. When I asked what was wrong, it was the
very first time he looked me in the face and he had tears in his eyes. He couldn't tell me what was wrong but we were so close I could already figure it out;
Scott was gay.
To see my best friend in so much pain and unable to even come out with it and tell me, made me realize how much torture he must be going through
just dealing with this issue. I loved Scott so much I'd do anything to make him feel better so I tried to be as understandable as possible.
When I asked Scott why he was so sad, he said that he didn't want this new revelation to ruin what we had together and he said that he had feelings
like this as far back as third grade but wanted so bad for them to go away so he could be like me and not lose my friendship. That was so heavy. To think
that all these years he had to pretend to be somebody he wasn't and only to please me so I wouldn't be upset.
I didn't have much to say after that surf session. I wasn't upset or anything like that, I just wanted to think things through before I said anything that
might have the wrong meaning behind it. I mean I loved my friend, and like I said, I'd do anything for him and I meant it. So I looked at this as a challenge,
a challenge for me to be a better person, to learn to accept Scott for who he really was and to be completely supportive. This was my obligation. This was
my way of showing how much I cared for my best friend Scott.
Accepting Scott as he was wouldn't be a problem at all for me but I knew we both had a rocky road ahead, what with parents and friends in school and
on the team. I mean the world is a better place but people still have their
preconceived notions of actually having to deal with a gay guy that's their friend
and has been since we were all little kids. It's tough, I know, but I also knew that the best friends wouldn't freak or disappear, they'd see Scott as, well,
Scott and be able to accept everything that is Scott.
It's kind of difficult figuring out how to tell people, I mean do you just act like nothing's happened and then blurt it out when the need arises or do you
gather everyone in one place and make an announcement? It's so difficult but it doesn't really have to be. I decided I would ease into it but made sure that
everything was alright with Scott on how I would just treat his gayness as though it was already common knowledge.
When you get a lot of guys in one place, as in a game, you can't help but get excited and comment on the girls that come to the game to watch. We
know they're there, we know why they're there, and we comment on it. Sometimes the girls are pretty and get good comments but sometimes they're not
so pretty or have bad reputations and get snide comments. Doesn't matter though, anyone of the opposite sex always gets some kind of comment thrown
their way. This particular day was no different. On this day a couple of really hot girls from our school came to watch the game and giggle and text
message their way through our game. When one of the guys on the team started teasing me about how one of the girls was checking out my ass when I
pitched, I told him that it didn't matter, girls weren't my thing. When everybody on the team laughed and said 'riiiiight', I told them 'well, what if I was gay?
Would that be a problem?'. Since I'm captain and pretty well liked by the team, I told them that well maybe I wasn't gay but what if someone on the team
was gay. They all sorted looked around and said it would be cool but what would we do when we're all in the locker room. I told them 'well, what would you
do if there was someone you were hot for in the locker room? That got everybody thinking about what it must be to be gay in a mainly straight
environment. They all admitted that it must be hard for a gay guy (no pun intended) to have to deal with those temptations and that they actually thought
it was admirable that a gay guy could hold back his desires and only 'cause he wanted to remain one of the guys on the team.
I guess that day I put things in perspective. How hard it must be for a gay guy to deal with being gay in a straight environment and trying everyday
just to be accepted by society, something all of us straight guys take for granted every day.
When everybody's questions were answered and Scott became more comfortable in his skin, we all just hung out and joked around like we usually did,
only now we could joke around with Scott being gay and who he was attracted to. When we all found out he wasn't even attracted to guys like us,
apparently he likes older dudes, some of sighed a sign of relief, but there were a couple of dudes that wondered why a gay guy like Scott wouldn't find
them attractive. So what turned out to be something uncomfortable ended up with most of the guys understanding the frustrations gay guys go through
daily and trying harder to be attractive not only to the girlies but gay guys as well. I
guess everybody loves attention, right?
So all said, I guess things turned out all right, I learned something new and special about my best friend and I learned something about me. I learned that I'm capable of truly loving someone
of the same sex but not in a sexual way and that's ok, that's good. I've also learned that you have to give other people the benefit of the doubt 'cause
sometimes you think they're going to react a lot differently then the actually do. All our mutual friends now treat Scott with a different kind of respect. I guess
'cause they now realize what he's got to go through just to be honest with himself, and that's a heavy burden. If we're really the outstanding generation that we say we are, then
maybe we need to rethink how we treat one another. That's my hope at least.
So now what do Scott and I do as we grow older and start dating who we desire? Well, I for one will always keep Scott in my heart, and I hope that he feels the same way and
doesn't think he needs to disappear to find himself and find a living environment he can feel good about. I know when I start dating seriously, and the girl and I start thinking
about marriage and raising a family. I know that girl will have to understand that Scott will always be a part of my family. He'll always be there to help me raise my kids and to be
a family member forever. I hope Scott feels the same way and for some crazy reason, I know he does.
Role Play
Recently, we asked some of our readers that were in a relationship whether they ever played specific roles to keep their passion alive and if they do it on a continuous basis. We also asked if they felt this activity was healthy for them and how they got started doing it. Following is some but not all of the results readers submitted. We think they're the best though and thank the
contributors for their responses.
Hey my name's Toby and I'm new to the gay surfer report but am addicted to the site now and thanks for letting me write this article.
Jackson asked me to write about my experience being so young and in a relationship already (I've been out since I was 13)
and whether we play roles to keep the flame going.
Hmmm, well that's hard to say 'cause I think from the very beginning my boyfriend was attracted to me 'cause I surfed so I guess
you could say being a gay surfer was the role he wanted me to play but because I already am I'm not really playing a role, right?
He does want me to wear my wetsuit when I come off the beach and when I enter the house and then I shower with it on and he comes in and joins
me and that sorta turns him on 'cause he gets to strip the wetsuit off of me and all, but then again, I'd do that anyway so it's not really me
playing a role.
Since my bf is a bit older then me but not a gay surfer, I guess I see him playing a role 'cause he's a popular jock at school and I kinda think that that's hot and
he plays it up and all especially when we're home and he gets in the mood.
I have asked him to wear his uniform before we do it and that's sorta hot but it's not like I'm fantasizing about some other jock 'cause
it's his jersey and all so it's really him that I'm hot for.
So I'd have to say that we sorta role play but only because we like the roles we really play in life. Maybe when we get older we'll be hot
for something else and want to do those other roles then but for the time being I think we get along just fine with who we really are and that's probably
'cause that's really hot. I don't think what we do is really damaging or hurtful to either of us or anyone else. I mean we're not a traditional couple in the first place so being two gay guys kinda allows us to make up the rules as we go along. -Toby
I'm James and I'm writing a little article Jackson ask me to write about role-playing.
I'm familiar with the concept and only because I like older guys and they tend to like me having a certain look; as a surfer.
It's not too hard for me to do this role because I actually do surf (it's how I met Senor Jackson) but some guys I've dated really
want me to push the whole dumb-surfer-attitude when I've dated them before. Of course that gets old after a while and that's probably
why I'm not still with those gay guys.
Most guys want me to push the whole surfer thing especially when they parade me around their friends and I guess it's 'cause all of them
think it's hot that their friend could get a date with a gay surfer. Whoop dee doo, it's not like there aren't gay surfers around, in fact, Jackson
is one of the biggest flamers out there (jk).
I guess what really turns most of the guys on is the fantasy of having gay sex with a surfer, but again it's not big deal 'cause I'm sure doing
it with me is like doing it with any other gay guy. It's just the idea of the look I'm portraying (big word for me) and how I look differently than most
gay guys that I see walking around.
So most of the time I'm just me and that turns guys on and that's their fantasy and all, would I consider different roles if I was into the
guy and he asked me, probably, would just depend on the circumstances and how hot the guy was I guess. Do I think it's naughty playing the gay surfer role or any role for that matter? Nah, it's just sexual excitement is all and if it feels good and doesn't harm anyone then I'm ok with it. -James
Hello, my name is Dieter and I'm writing from Germany. Jackson and I have been talking about me writing an article for his site and we both
thought this would be a good subject so here I go...
 In Germany, role playing is pretty big especially in the leather community and I think a lot of it has to do with S&M and the whole dominant war time
soldier theme. I'm not really part of this scene but it does fascinate me and I have some friends my age that are big into it.
For me, I have never been asked to really fill a role that I haven't already done. If I'm with someone younger they always want me to act like
the older one, not hard to do considering I am older than them. I've never been asked to dress in a suit or anything like that to turn the younger guy
on but I think that's only 'cause they don't consider stuff like that at such a young age.
Older guys that are attracted to me either like my youth or that I am a gymnast athlete. Sometimes both I guess. These roles are not difficult
for me to play because I am both. I have worn my singlet before sex and that seems to be a big turn on for gay gay guys especially if I'm not wearing a cup. I am
German you know (wink, wink, lol).
Jackson also asked if I would be open to playing other roles if the guy asked and I'd have to say yes, but it really depends on the guy. I'm not really
a prostitute or anything like that so I wouldn't go home with someone that offered me euros to do things with him.
If a hot guy asked me and we had dated for a while, yes I would definitely be open to playing other roles. I don't know off hand what they would be
but when I get into a guy I really fall for him so I would pretty much do anything to please him, especially in the bedroom.
As you can probably tell, I don't consider playing roles to be bad or anything unless it hurts someone innocent. I mean some guys role play to actually experience pain but that's not really my thing.
I guess that is all I have to say, I hope my message comes across ok because my english is probably not as good as others. -Dieter
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