Yeah I started out dating girls. I mean I knew I had attractions for guys since I was young but I put those feelings aside so I could fit in while in high school and my surf bros would so not understand if I was completely gay in hs. This is soCal and it is the beach scene, stuff like that is funny to us but we don't really associate with anyone that's really g. Yeah there were times I would get with my bros after surfing, drinking beers and stuff, and some of these guys really got loaded and by the end of the drink session they were pretty hammered and you sense desire in their eyes but nothing ever happened but some innocent wrestling smack downs. I'm sure we all probably knew that if things did happen then it would get weird between us and we just didn't desire it enough to want to go there. Besides, we all had gfs, that's what they were there for.

While in hs i worked at a grocery store bagging people's food and stuff. It was an ok job, made money, sometimes even met girls and it kept me out of trouble. I always had guys coming up to me in school asking if we were hiring but usually they were the type of guys that I wouldn't recommend anyway 'cause they were flakes and I didn't want to end up working with them and having to do their job while they skated through their work shift. Most of my bros didn't have to work though, their parents made enough money so they just coasted through life and didn't need the extra money like I did. One day at work I see Val's brother John walk into the store and he sorta recognizes me but doesn't remember where. He's here for an interview, something that was set up at school. He comes in with his spikey blonde hair and I can't get my eyes off of him. For some reason, right then and there, I fell for him, I fell hard. I don't really know what it was exactly, whether it was the way he talked or how his crystal blue eyes looked at me while we were talking, but I fell and I knew then that I would do anything to get John a job at my store. I figured he probably didn't feel the same way and only wanted a job but I didn't care. I was hooked.

Since I was pretty much on good terms with the store manager they asked me info on John and I told them I knew the family and they were all hard workers, blah, blah, blah. I would of told them anything to get John a job there but I really knew from stories that Val told me that John was actually a bit of a rebel and partied a lot, surfed most of the time, and didn't do very well at school. He was a freshman and I was a senior so I didn't know much about him or who he hung out with but I would see him out in the water surfing and he was always surrounded by the popular surf gang. John had been surfing and winning contests since he was a grom. Needless to say he was popular, especially with the girls.

The schedule at work was rigged so I worked most days with John and trained him 'cause management thought since I knew his family that we would make a good team. Little did they know my ulterior motive. John picked up the job fast and was actually a good worker. He showed a lot of enthusiasm for the job and we both got along really great. He liked my sense of humor and of course I already had it for him so anything he said seemed interesting to me. Weird but I never felt like that with a girl. With a girl, we hungout and had a good time, but it seemed like it was all for appearances, like we were supposed to be with each other 'cause we were in hs and all, but there wasn't any real closeness. Probably my fault. I was distant but didn't even realize it at the time. I was interested but I just wasn't as into it as I thought I was. I was more focused on surfing and hanging out with my bros at the time I guess.

So John and I start hanging out outside of work more and we become surf bros and hangout as much as we can. We surf and turn each other onto new music 'cause we're into the scene. The soCal music scene. So now I have my bro with me that I'm all into and I have some type of crush on him but I don't know how to even deal with it. I just knew it felt good surfing together and hanging out. I set out to do something and I made it happen. I wasn't really sure what I was going to do with it now that I had it but at least we were close and that was enough for me for right now.

John and I hung out a lot those days. We would work and then go party at someones house and in the morning we would usually surf and then the cycle would start all over again. It was weird but we became so close that even Val made a comment that we probably were boyfriends or something. When anyone said things like that we both would just laugh 'cause we knew we didn't do stuff like that with each other but then when we would look at each other you could tell that we wondered about it. Sometimes the tension would be too much and we'd argue about something stupid but usually it was misdirected anger and we'd end up letting it go and just surf. Surfing was the glue that held us together. When we'd paddle out, we'd take off on a wave and show off for each other like we were being filmed. We literally would shine on a wave and mostly because we were showing off for each other. It was our bond, it was our statement to each other and the world, to say 'hey, we rock, we surf like mutha f'ers and yeah, we think we might have some kind of crazy love for each other."

Yeah it starting getting deep then. I mean we were both dating girls at the time but you could tell we were falling for each other. It was all so new to us both and we didn't even know what to do with it but we knew it was there. Sometimes it made us more close, sometimes it made us fight but it was there and there wasn't anything either of us could do about it. I guess in our minds it was good enough knowing that we felt this way about each other but never acted on it. We just loved being in love with each other. For the moment that was good enough, no sex was required.

There was one time that it almost happened though. We ate a bunch of shrooms and went to a party way the hell out in the mountains. We were so high by the time we got to the party we couldn't even talk. We ended up spending the night sleeping on some guys bear skin rug on the living room floor. We literally passed out. I woke up in the middle of the night and tried to figure what the shizz was up; and then I saw John sleeping next to me passed out. So I sorta perv'd out and took advantage, nothing super perv but I did reach over and feel him up outside of his jeans, he never woke up though. Nothing big but I knew then that something was going to happen eventually but I wasn't sure he'd ever be into it so I just let it go. I don't even remember what it felt like. I must of been really hammered.

After that incident John started partying a lot more than me or any of my other friends and after a couple of times being at parties and him being completely belligerent, a lot of my friends stopped hanging out with him 'cause he was really starting to act like an ass and say stupid things. He became more punk rock and started listening to hardcore punk and took on that look. Gone was the blonde mop he had always worn and now he had a shaved head and started hanging with other punks that didn't surf. There wasn't a time I remember that he wasn't drunk during this period and I started distancing myself from him. Looking back I should of probably stayed close and just been there for him but maybe we both needed a break from each other considering we were so f cking close that our friendship started scarying us both.

John would still try and hangout during his punk phase but I would just ignore his calls or say I was busy and couldn't hangout. His eyes were talking to me again and I could see even through his alcohol hazed eyes that he wondered where his best friend went. But what I saw was just a kid in self-destruct mode and didn't know how to deal. I didn't care for his punk friends and their anarchy attitude and they didn't surf. I mean they were all white kids from wealthy homes living on the beach. What could they possibly be angry about. Little did I know behind that suburban facade was a lot of hurt. Parents that were still partying into their 40s and didn't really want the burden of raising their teenagers so they were never around, or sober, and some relatives that abused some of these guys. There was a lot of that going on but not the stuff you hear about in the news or in music. These were punks, rich punks, with rich kid problems. I didn't know how to relate. I wasn't part of this crowd. I was happy, or so I thought. I mean I missed John but I moved on. I surfed with other guys from work and school and I started hanging out with a new different crowd.

John never really admitted it but he thought that I abandoned him. He thought that if we were truly in love we would never not hangout, we were both young, we didn't know any better. I went my way and looked for my happiness and I didn't even realize I left John out of my life. Crazy thing is we both were dating girls that were best friends so we'd still hear about each other and what we were doing but we didn't spend much time together anymore. He didn't surf much or work at the store anymore either so there didn't seem to be any reason to hangout much.

John's senior year he and his gf Kimmy and her bff Michele (my gf) all went to the prom together. We booked rooms at the hotel everyone else had rooms at and got invited to all the after-prom parties. We pimp limo'd to the prom and did that whole prom thing. Got to the hotel and partied harder. Finally John and I got to spend some time together away from all the distractions. His punk gang wasn't with him and my new surf bros didn't go to this school so they weren't around either. We were pretty trashed but we talked some things out and when he asked why I didn't hangout down at PB Drive much anymore I was honest with him. I didn't have anything to lose anymore so I told him outright "John I fell in love with you and I didn't know what to do with it." "When I thought about starting something with you and how our friends would freak and you would probably not be able to handle it either, I just decided to disappear, I didn't know what else to do." He just looked at me. Didn't say a word but I could tell in his eyes he knew what I did to him that night up in the mountains, I could just tell he knew.

Since we were sorta distracted about all the after-prom stuff we didn't say much to each other about what we were thinking 'cause we had our gfs and did all that stuff. I don't think anyone knew what was going on but there was some crazy tension shizz between us but we both just let it go 'cause we didn't know what else to do about it. John did look hot in his tux though. I knew then why I was so obsessed with him from the beginning. Would I ever get with John? I didn't know. I had a gf on my arm and so did he. We were happy. At least we pretended we were.

Michelle and I had a lot of fun when we were a couple. I think she loved being in a relationship with me and I adored her for that. I was super attracted to her sexy ways and she knew it. Our sex was everything I needed. I was completely content. We'd take road trips together to Rosarito Beach and f ck our brains out in a hotel room. We were tight but she was still finishing up hs and I was already going to college. We were in a relationship that was ideal for the moment. No long term commitment plans, we just enjoyed our time together. But then, opps, all of a sudden this character comes out of the blue from nowhere that I met through another friend a while back at some party. I only met him once, he was from LA and went to UCLA. He was fun and strange in a mysterious kind of LA way. I didn't really think much about him but thought he was fun to party with. So I come home from a night of partying and he's there waiting for me on my porch swinging in the hammock. I don't even know how he found out where I lived. I guess it was that mysterious thing in him; he found things out. So we don't even say much when I walk up, I'm surprised he's there but not shocked for some reason. And instantly I know what's gonna happen. I can sense it. He wants me and I want... it. We get together that night and it's different than being with a girl but it's good but in a completely different way. I guess I was wondering about this for such a long time and then when I finally get to try it, and with a guy from LA, it's hot. I don't even know how to describe it but to this day I remember it like it happened yesterday. Today I would consider it vanilla sex but at the time it was like going all the way. It was hot. Andy went on to become an actor in Hollywood. He was even on a primetime show. Crazy shizz.

Mysterious Andy leaves on his motorcycle just as quickly as he showed up. Not a formal goodbye but a grin and a pat on the back. I didn't care. We pleasured each other, it felt good, different but good. When I'm left all alone I realize my life has changed and I can't go back to pretending with Michelle. I know I need to be honest with her and break things up 'cause I love her. I'm not even sure what to do with this 'guy thing' but I know that I can't lie to her. She ends up understanding, said she felt that I was probably bi or something and I'm guessing that has to do with the John and me connection. I love her for understanding, I will always remember our time together.

The Andy incident makes me realize I need to come clean with all my friends so it's one big coming out party (not literally, mostly just face-to-face explanation while smoking weed) for me. I don't really know if I'm going to pursue anything with a guy but I wanted to be honest with my friends so they wouldn't have to hear it from someone else. Most are ok with it. A few of my surf bros sorta freak but some actually become closer, like they want a g friend and now are more comfortable with me. It feels good but it's sorta weird too. I mean if I have a crush on a guy, a guy in my circle, most likely he's gonna be straight, how do I deal? It's something I think about but don't dwell.

I haven't seen or heard from John for months. I hear he's still on his self-destructive path and he hears that I've come out. We hear this from mutual friends but we don't contact each other. One night his VW bus pulls up my driveway and he walks up with a 12-pack of beer. I know that this is the time we're going to sit and talk things out. It was bound to happen and we both knew it. He's all punked out with his skin head and punk clothes. He smells like sweat and beer and I'm still 100% attracted to him. His speech is slurred and I'm trying to get as hammered as possible as fast as I can while he's talking shizz about something. We talk about stuff for hours, we talk about our ex gfs, we talk about surf, we talk about music. We drink, we drink some more and then we try finding something else to drink. We're loaded. I have the Clash on and he gets up and moshes. My place is small and it becomes a wreck instantly. I'm up and we're both slamming into each other, shirts off, sweat pouring, music blarring. We crash into each other hard and fall down on the couch. He turns to me, looks up, blue eyes shining and makes out with me, sloppy. He tastes like beer and pot and smells like sweet and his braces hurt my tongue. I think I see God when I kiss back.

Getting naked with John was easy I guess 'cause we wondered about it for so long. We surfed together so we so pretty much already saw all of each others bodies except for the junk. I wasn't so much wondering how big it was or anything, just what it looked like, what it would feel like when I touched it. For so long I wondered what it would be like and finally I was gonna find out.

John was your typical blonde; blue eyed, soCal surfer-type. Tight body from surfing all the time with zero body hair. When I got his clothes off it was like rubbing up against something I knew would be hot but never thought would actually happen. He was so blonde even his pubes were blonde and the only place he had any hair except for his pits and pubes was a bit on his ass. Sex was awkward 'cause we really didn't know what were doing. I just remember gritting my teeth each time his braces rubbed against my shaft. It stung like hell but I wanted it so I dealt. Our kisses were sloppy and we both tasted like beer and pot. The making out was the best for me. I would keep my eyes open and watch his pretty boy face, so smooth, sun burnt, kissing me back. The braces I had to deal with while kissing too but in a way it was sweet. The guy I was with still had braces on, how cute. We probably 69'd forever considering we wanted to taste this for so long. His dick was finally mine. It tasted like I thought it would. It tasted like him. We eventually moved on to... well you know. He bent over my couch for me and we had sloppy sex. We didn't know what to expect. He didn't really scream or anything, just sorta cringed. I nutted inside him kissing his ears and hugging to the backside of his body. I was spent but he hadn't come yet. He wanted to enter me but I didn't think I could do it so I finished him off with my mouth and tasted his seed. We both collapsed on the floor next to my couch and passed out. We shared between each other something we both never expected to. We loved each other and we went somewhere that was totally foreign to both of us: Nirvana.

The next morning was like any other morning. We woke up, drove to the local mexican food drive-thru, ate burritos and paddled out to surf. We still showed off surfing for each other just like we always had but now we both shared something even more deep. Something we wanted to share for so long, something we always will have between each other: A love unlike anything we'll ever experience again.

To this day I still think about John and our friendship together and I just smile. I look around at the younger grom surfers when I'm out in the water and I see how they play with each other. And I know some of them are expereincing the same bliss I did with John. John will always be my first. We fell for each other and didn't even know it. I will always have it for him, always.

---

My Gay BFF
I met Scott when we were both in grade school. We both played for the same little league baseball team. He wasn't the best player on the team but he always had enthusiasm for every game, even practice. I gravitated towards him right away 'cause of his athletic ability and the fact he was always making everyone laugh. If kids can fall in love with their childhood friends, then I certainly did. We were inseparable.

All through school we hung out, had the same teachers and pretty much did everything together. Our parents were friends and both our families would take summer vacations together up the coast on the beach

On one trip, we were in our last grade of elementary school, another family joined our summer trip and they had twin daughters. We hung out with them most of the time and they'd hangout on the beach while Scott and I surfed. I would talk about the girls relentlessly trying to figure out which one Scott was hot for and which one I would get. Scott never seemed interested, and in fact, he looked sort of irritated. When I asked what was wrong, it was the very first time he looked me in the face and he had tears in his eyes. He couldn't tell me what was wrong but we were so close I could already figure it out; Scott was gay.

To see my best friend in so much pain and unable to even come out with it and tell me, made me realize how much torture he must be going through just dealing with this issue. I loved Scott so much I'd do anything to make him feel better so I tried to be as understandable as possible.

When I asked Scott why he was so sad, he said that he didn't want this new revelation to ruin what we had together and he said that he had feelings like this as far back as third grade but wanted so bad for them to go away so he could be like me and not lose my friendship. That was so heavy. To think that all these years he had to pretend to be somebody he wasn't and only to please me so I wouldn't be upset.

I didn't have much to say after that surf session. I wasn't upset or anything like that, I just wanted to think things through before I said anything that might have the wrong meaning behind it. I mean I loved my friend, and like I said, I'd do anything for him and I meant it. So I looked at this as a challenge, a challenge for me to be a better person, to learn to accept Scott for who he really was and to be completely supportive. This was my obligation. This was my way of showing how much I cared for my best friend Scott.

Accepting Scott as he was wouldn't be a problem at all for me but I knew we both had a rocky road ahead, what with parents and friends in school and on the team. I mean the world is a better place but people still have their preconceived notions of actually having to deal with a gay guy that's their friend and has been since we were all little kids. It's tough, I know, but I also knew that the best friends wouldn't freak or disappear, they'd see Scott as, well, Scott and be able to accept everything that is Scott.

It's kind of difficult figuring out how to tell people, I mean do you just act like nothing's happened and then blurt it out when the need arises or do you gather everyone in one place and make an announcement? It's so difficult but it doesn't really have to be. I decided I would ease into it but made sure that everything was alright with Scott on how I would just treat his gayness as though it was already common knowledge.

When you get a lot of guys in one place, as in a game, you can't help but get excited and comment on the girls that come to the game to watch. We know they're there, we know why they're there, and we comment on it. Sometimes the girls are pretty and get good comments but sometimes they're not so pretty or have bad reputations and get snide comments. Doesn't matter though, anyone of the opposite sex always gets some kind of comment thrown their way. This particular day was no different. On this day a couple of really hot girls from our school came to watch the game and giggle and text message their way through our game. When one of the guys on the team started teasing me about how one of the girls was checking out my ass when I pitched, I told him that it didn't matter, girls weren't my thing. When everybody on the team laughed and said 'riiiiight', I told them 'well, what if I was gay? Would that be a problem?'. Since I'm captain and pretty well liked by the team, I told them that well maybe I wasn't gay but what if someone on the team was gay. They all sorted looked around and said it would be cool but what would we do when we're all in the locker room. I told them 'well, what would you do if there was someone you were hot for in the locker room? That got everybody thinking about what it must be to be gay in a mainly straight environment. They all admitted that it must be hard for a gay guy (no pun intended) to have to deal with those temptations and that they actually thought it was admirable that a gay guy could hold back his desires and only 'cause he wanted to remain one of the guys on the team.

I guess that day I put things in perspective. How hard it must be for a gay guy to deal with being gay in a straight environment and trying everyday just to be accepted by society, something all of us straight guys take for granted every day.

When everybody's questions were answered and Scott became more comfortable in his skin, we all just hung out and joked around like we usually did, only now we could joke around with Scott being gay and who he was attracted to. When we all found out he wasn't even attracted to guys like us, apparently he likes older dudes, some of sighed a sign of relief, but there were a couple of dudes that wondered why a gay guy like Scott wouldn't find them attractive. So what turned out to be something uncomfortable ended up with most of the guys understanding the frustrations gay guys go through daily and trying harder to be attractive not only to the girlies but gay guys as well. I guess everybody loves attention, right?

So all said, I guess things turned out all right, I learned something new and special about my best friend and I learned something about me. I learned that I'm capable of truly loving someone of the same sex but not in a sexual way and that's ok, that's good. I've also learned that you have to give other people the benefit of the doubt 'cause sometimes you think they're going to react a lot differently then the actually do. All our mutual friends now treat Scott with a different kind of respect. I guess 'cause they now realize what he's got to go through just to be honest with himself, and that's a heavy burden. If we're really the outstanding generation that we say we are, then maybe we need to rethink how we treat one another. That's my hope at least.

So now what do Scott and I do as we grow older and start dating who we desire? Well, I for one will always keep Scott in my heart, and I hope that he feels the same way and doesn't think he needs to disappear to find himself and find a living environment he can feel good about. I know when I start dating seriously, and the girl and I start thinking about marriage and raising a family. I know that girl will have to understand that Scott will always be a part of my family. He'll always be there to help me raise my kids and to be a family member forever. I hope Scott feels the same way and for some crazy reason, I know he does.

Role Play
Recently, we asked some of our readers that were in a relationship whether they ever played specific roles to keep their passion alive and if they do it on a continuous basis. We also asked if they felt this activity was healthy for them and how they got started doing it. Following is some but not all of the results readers submitted. We think they're the best though and thank the contributors for their responses.

Hey my name's Toby and I'm new to the gay surfer report but am addicted to the site now and thanks for letting me write this article.

Jackson asked me to write about my experience being so young and in a relationship already (I've been out since I was 13) and whether we play roles to keep the flame going.

Hmmm, well that's hard to say 'cause I think from the very beginning my boyfriend was attracted to me 'cause I surfed so I guess you could say being a gay surfer was the role he wanted me to play but because I already am I'm not really playing a role, right?

He does want me to wear my wetsuit when I come off the beach and when I enter the house and then I shower with it on and he comes in and joins me and that sorta turns him on 'cause he gets to strip the wetsuit off of me and all, but then again, I'd do that anyway so it's not really me playing a role.

Since my bf is a bit older then me but not a gay surfer, I guess I see him playing a role 'cause he's a popular jock at school and I kinda think that that's hot and he plays it up and all especially when we're home and he gets in the mood.

I have asked him to wear his uniform before we do it and that's sorta hot but it's not like I'm fantasizing about some other jock 'cause it's his jersey and all so it's really him that I'm hot for.

So I'd have to say that we sorta role play but only because we like the roles we really play in life. Maybe when we get older we'll be hot for something else and want to do those other roles then but for the time being I think we get along just fine with who we really are and that's probably 'cause that's really hot. I don't think what we do is really damaging or hurtful to either of us or anyone else. I mean we're not a traditional couple in the first place so being two gay guys kinda allows us to make up the rules as we go along. -Toby

I'm James and I'm writing a little article Jackson ask me to write about role-playing.

I'm familiar with the concept and only because I like older guys and they tend to like me having a certain look; as a surfer.

It's not too hard for me to do this role because I actually do surf (it's how I met Senor Jackson) but some guys I've dated really want me to push the whole dumb-surfer-attitude when I've dated them before. Of course that gets old after a while and that's probably why I'm not still with those gay guys.

Most guys want me to push the whole surfer thing especially when they parade me around their friends and I guess it's 'cause all of them think it's hot that their friend could get a date with a gay surfer. Whoop dee doo, it's not like there aren't gay surfers around, in fact, Jackson is one of the biggest flamers out there (jk).

I guess what really turns most of the guys on is the fantasy of having gay sex with a surfer, but again it's not big deal 'cause I'm sure doing it with me is like doing it with any other gay guy. It's just the idea of the look I'm portraying (big word for me) and how I look differently than most gay guys that I see walking around.

So most of the time I'm just me and that turns guys on and that's their fantasy and all, would I consider different roles if I was into the guy and he asked me, probably, would just depend on the circumstances and how hot the guy was I guess. Do I think it's naughty playing the gay surfer role or any role for that matter? Nah, it's just sexual excitement is all and if it feels good and doesn't harm anyone then I'm ok with it. -James

Hello, my name is Dieter and I'm writing from Germany. Jackson and I have been talking about me writing an article for his site and we both thought this would be a good subject so here I go...

In Germany, role playing is pretty big especially in the leather community and I think a lot of it has to do with S&M and the whole dominant war time soldier theme. I'm not really part of this scene but it does fascinate me and I have some friends my age that are big into it.

For me, I have never been asked to really fill a role that I haven't already done. If I'm with someone younger they always want me to act like the older one, not hard to do considering I am older than them. I've never been asked to dress in a suit or anything like that to turn the younger guy on but I think that's only 'cause they don't consider stuff like that at such a young age.

Older guys that are attracted to me either like my youth or that I am a gymnast athlete. Sometimes both I guess. These roles are not difficult for me to play because I am both. I have worn my singlet before sex and that seems to be a big turn on for gay gay guys especially if I'm not wearing a cup. I am German you know (wink, wink, lol).

Jackson also asked if I would be open to playing other roles if the guy asked and I'd have to say yes, but it really depends on the guy. I'm not really a prostitute or anything like that so I wouldn't go home with someone that offered me euros to do things with him.

If a hot guy asked me and we had dated for a while, yes I would definitely be open to playing other roles. I don't know off hand what they would be but when I get into a guy I really fall for him so I would pretty much do anything to please him, especially in the bedroom.

As you can probably tell, I don't consider playing roles to be bad or anything unless it hurts someone innocent. I mean some guys role play to actually experience pain but that's not really my thing.

I guess that is all I have to say, I hope my message comes across ok because my english is probably not as good as others. -Dieter

[return to Gay Surf Report]