i do believe in God becoz i'm a christian but i often disappointed on God... well that made me wanted to kill my self but i know what i did was wrong and i regret it but sometimes when i feel disappointed or depressed i often have a plan to do a suicide again but i know i that's stupid. actually, the main reason why i tried to kill my self was becoz i broke up with my boyfriend, i love him so much and until now i still feel the same way about him even he doesn't ever think about me anymore.

i often have a fight with my parents, last sunday we fought... u know i often lose my control and i get mad and angry easily so usually if i mad or angry i'll yell at them and they will get angry too. i try to change this bad habit but it's so difficult for me, this is why my ex-boyfriend broke me up becoz i often get mad and angry easily and then i'll yell at everyone who's near me. so.... becareful at me... jk

my parents don't allow me to date until i graduate my high school years, that sucks!!!! so i did a backstreet relationship with my ex, and he decided to split up becoz of this reason too .... he couldn't stand it anymore.... always hide from my parents.

the last time my dad slapped me was becoz he ask me "this week u have some tests? what r the subjects?" and i answer him in harsh manner "i dont know!! the secretary in my class didn't tell us!!" and then he became really angry coz i was so unrespect to him... he was mad and i went to d bathroom and cried, he pushed me to open the door, i locked d door ... i just needed a moment to be alone but he didn't care, he said things that really hurt me, so.. i took the gillette and pills in my bathroom and i tried to kill myself, he tried to find the key of d bathroom n then he opened the door and he saw the gillette and he became more angry to me and punched me in d face, he said things that i really dont want to hear that moment so i went out from d bathroom and he pulled me to listen what he wanted to say but i didn't care i really didn't want to talk about it and i really didn't want to see him around me but he didn't understand. i cried and cried and cried so he was tired and left me alone in my room, i cried all day long... but the next day he became normal again.

y'know sometimes parents are like jerks but sometimes they're the most wonderful persons in the whole world. becoz i'm a christian.. i think we have to forgive everybody that hurt us and pray to GOD to make them realize that they're wrong and not do the same mistake again, i know i seem very religious but i think we shouldn't only count other people's sins, we should count the good things they ever gave to us.... someone told me if we want to judge someone or something we have to look the totality of them... not only the negative but include the positive things. Feb 4, 2009

when i sms u in sarcastic way about emmi, y'know... i just dont like if guys talk to me and then they're like always praise another guyl that they like, i'm so sensitive, so i'll think that i'm not so interesting like that guy, and i feel so unconfident bout myself. i don't like to listen to guys talking bout their favourite guy, why dont they talk to me and tell me that they like a guy like me!!! i dont know is it a jealous feeling or not but i think i'm a lil jealous with emmi... becoz he really has ur attention, he's like a god for u but i think i'm more educated, smart, intelligent and i'm kind too but i dont understand why u're crazy bout her. y'know... i always jealous, if my friend has a new friend and then he's like more into his new friend, i'll get upset n jealous, and if my boyfriend jus talk to another guy i'll get upset n didn't want to talk to him for a while. y'know... i always jealous. but i'm confused, i'm a lil jealous of emmi but i don't have any feelings about u. you're like a big brother to me. i dont understand, i can't be in love again since joseph left me, i always still love him, n i still wait 4 him to come back to me and love me again like the way he did. i miss him so much....

i hope u understand.... if there are some words that hurt ur feelings ... i didn't mean that. please forgive me. ok my brother's become anooying now.

Rowdy committed suicide February 5, 2009 R.I.P.