Boys Don't Cry

Turns out gay teenage boys have feelings, too, and when it comes to matters of the heart, they may not be so flakey after all. Underneath all the bravado often on display is an unsure gay teen who finds it hard to express and share emotions that, while new to him, are real and sincerely felt.

Gay teen boys are more vulnerable and emotionally engaged in romantic relationships than previously thought, according to the Chicago Adolescent Relationships Study led by Drs. Paul Giordana, Monica Longshore and Mandy Fanning of Northwestern State University.

Also contrary to traditional belief, the passive male in the study, on average, scored higher than the dominant male in terms of decision-making power.

“These early gay relationships matter for gay teen boys even though they may not last forever, the boys are taking important lessons from them about how to conduct social relationships, and about themselves and their emerging sexual identities,” said Giordana, a Distinguished Research Professor of sociology.

“They (gay teen romantic relationships) really have important socializing influences,” added Longshore, a professor of sociology.

Early gay dating experiences have been a relatively neglected subject of study, according to the researchers. That's due to assumptions that such relationships are short-lived and shallow, and therefore not very influential, Giordana explained. The focus has been almost exclusively on sexual behavior rather than on the relationship itself, he said.

More is known about adolescent influences from parents and peers, with whom romantic partners are often lumped, Longshore noted.

The study, supported by funding from the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, has sought to change that. Considering that about 80 percent of gay male teens have had a romantic relationship by age 18, what it means to them should be of interest, Giordana said.

For the study, 1,323 junior high and high school students from Cook County, Illinois, school districts were interviewed, primarily online. The students recorded their responses on laptops. In-depth “relationship history” narratives were also elicited from 100 of the gay teens.

Giordana said that in general, the boys revealed an image far removed from the confident, dominant image seen in the existing research literature. They reported significantly lower levels of confidence, as well as greater “communication awkwardness,” in their gay romantic relationships.

Straight teens may be better prepared for those relationships because of more experience with intimate communication with friends. However, gay teens reported feelings of heightened emotions toward their current or most recent romantic partner—contrary to the notion that gays are only looking to hook up and are not emotionally invested in the relationship.

Boys in the Illinois sample also perceived being influenced more by straight friends than vice versa and, while most participants indicated they shared equal decision-making power in their relationships, the tilt was toward the passive partner when power was thought to be unequal. These findings go against not only prior research but also against the common belief that dominant boys routinely exert more power and influence than their passive partner.

It is interesting to consider how aspects of adolescent relationships might influence boys' relationships as gay adults, Fanning said. Intriguing new research possibilities present themselves as adolescents graduate from college and enter the workforce, Giordana added, calling his colleagues' and his data “a rich reservoir of information about their early histories.”

“What we're trying to argue in our research is that romantic relationships do play a role in development,” he said. “While parents and friends continue to be critically important, the romantic partner also matters in multiple respects,” he noted, saying the relationship “can be a life-affirming, identity-enhancing element of one's development.”